Week 5 NFL Picks

What if I were to tell you that Uncle Dave's Stink-Free Diaper Pick of the Week had an overall record of 1-4 and that you should probably go ahead and bet the opposite way from now on? Is that something you might be interested in?

Home team in CAPS:

CHICAGO -10.5 over Buffalo
I'm not saying nothing...

Cleveland +9 over CAROLINA
Something about this Panthers team just isn't right. Romeo Crennell beat Carolina in the Super Bowl so he can game plan and Cleveland is coming off that HUGE win against the venerable Oakland Raiders. Well, maybe not venerable...is venereal an adjective?

Detroit +6 over MINNESOTA
So the Lions CAN score and how many more three and outs are we from Minnesotans booing Check Down Johnson off the field?

NEW ENGLAND -10 over Miami
Patriots are back on track, right? Well, I'm not sure but I do know the Dolphins stink.

St. Louis -2.5 over GREEN BAY
If I was any kind of gambler I'd do some research on this, but it seems like every Packers line this season has been terribly off because of the mystique still emanating from Brett Favre's lifeless, rotting corpse.

NEW ORLEANS -6 over Tampa Bay
Real quick demise for the Buccaneers. It happened like that (snapping my fingers)! But how are we going to know the Saints are REALLY back in New Orleans without 35 ESPN announcers there to tell us?

INDIANAPOLIS -18.5 over Tennessee
The Colts want to play a good one in front of their fans and what better way to do it than facing a rookie quarterback who doesn't seem so fast when he's not being chased by a 19-year old kid from Southeast Oklahoma State.

Washington +4 over NEW YORK GIANTS
UNCLE DAVE'S STINK-FREE DIAPER PICK OF THE WEEK
This feels like a close game to me. Then again, I just screwed the Redskins, didn't I?

ARIZONA +3 over Kansas City
Don't count out the Cards just yet. Trent Green just woke up and wants to know if they beat the Bengals.

New York Jets +7.5 over JACKSONVILLE
Love those Jets, baby! Covering machines! I'm 3-0 when I take 'em.

SAN FRANCISCO -3.5 over Oakland
Giving 3.5 points is like winning the Super Bowl for the Niners. Seriously, after the whole T.O. mess, who would EVER trade for Randy Moss? Would anyone want him?

PHILADELPHIA -2 over Dallas
Pre-game hype has been quiet so far. I'm sure that'll change once Chris Berman gets a couple of bear claws in him Sunday morning.

SAN DIEGO -3.5 over Pittsburgh
Steelers not looking so hot. Let's just hope Hines Ward gets in the endzone multiple times 'cause I need a fantasy win bad.

DENVER -4 over Baltimore
Ravens took it to a good Chargers team last week but the Broncos have too many weapons.

Last week: 8-6
Uncle Dave's Stink-Free Diapers: 1-4
Season: 32-27-1

ZEV THE MAN-CHILD'S SPECIAL SPECIALS:

DENVER -4 over Baltimore
The Broncos will beat the Ravens on the Monday night showdown. I'm not exactly sure why. The Ravens still have no offense and they are going up against a good defense in Mile High. McNair is not gonna be able to pull a rabbit out of his hat this week.

Kansas City +3 over ARIZONA
Welcome to the pro's, Mr. Leinart. Have fun going up against the number three defense. After the Chiefs whooped the 49ers last week expect more of the same this week.

Week 4 Bears Recap: Remain Calm

I can't keep an entire nation of Bears fans from getting in their Winnebago’s right now and taking off for Miami and Super Bowl XLI, but at least I can keep myself sane. Every time I've heard a sportscaster or casual fan say something positive about the Bears following their 37-6 shellacking of the defending NFC champion Seattle Seahawks, I've found myself knocking on wood. My superstition is bordering on obsessive-compulsive disorder. So I've come with a few things I can think about to keep from going all Howard Hughes up in this piece.

THINGS TO REMEMBER WHEN I GET TOO COCKY ABOUT THE BEARS:

1. 6-10 (the combined record of the Bears' opponents so far this season).

2. Charles Tillman is a starting cornerback.

3. 3.0 (Bears' yards per rush average).

4. Devin Hester dropping punts.

5. Rex Grossman still loves to back peddle.

6. Mike Singletary works for another team.

7. Kicker Robbie Gould is perfect on the season. He can only get worse.

8. Bandwagon fans coming out of the woodwork to jinx us.

9. Tommie Harris being hailed as NFL Defensive Player of Year after four weeks.

10. Everything has gone right so far. It can only get worse.

11. The new Soldier Field doesn't have enough bathrooms.

12. With no playoff baseball in Chicago, there isn't a lot to talk about besides the September greatness of the Bears.

13. Steve Bartman could ask Rex Grossman for his autograph and accidentally stab him in the eye.

14. At some point this fall, Hillary Clinton will don a Bears hat and/or jersey.

15. The national media (comprised of idiot ex-jocks) starting to believe.

16. Chicagoan-turned-Hollywood celeb with a series on Fox showing up at Soldier Field in January.

17. Cedric Benson's impossible-to-gauge attitude

18. My mom heard Rex Grossman waxes his eyebrows.

19. The food at Soldier Field is worse than ever (that's actually a good thing. Keeps the fans irritable).

20. Sexy Rexy is not an acceptable nickname for a Bear.

21. Peyton Manning is still playing.

22. More importantly, so is Tom Brady.

23. Michael Jordan isn't on the team.

24. Jim McMahon was in my dream last night. That's not another reason. I just thought of it.

25. Three straight road games in November (Patriots, Giants, Jets).

26. We have a rookie starting at safety.

27. The last time we started off 4-0, we ended up 6-10 (1991).

28. Direct flights from LA to Miami are $700.

29. And I refuse to connect through Tampa Bay

30. Lovie Smith and Danieal Manning have girl names

31. Chris Collinsworth picked us to go to the Super Bowl.

32. The Bears are a passing team?

33. We're angering the football Gods by mentioning '85.

34. W.W.W.D.? (What Would Walter Do? He'd remain calm).