Week 3 NFL Picks: They Call Me Rainman

Another good one, folks. My best two weeks EVER. AND they were consecutive. Things could get a bit more hairy this week with a bunch of tough games. I've gotta make this quick because I'm going to a wedding in Colorado for the weekend. Let's see what my impetuous and poorly-conceived theories have to say...

(Home team in CAPS)

Carolina -3 over TAMPA BAY
Carolina makes the playoffs. I'm not even worried about it. Tampa's offensive line is about to get man-handled by Julius Peppers and Co.

Chicago -3 over MINNESOTA
If Carolina doesn't try a CROSSFIELD LATERAL on a PUNT RETURN when up by a TOUCHDOWN in the FOURTH QUARTER, the Vikings lose and the Bears are seven point favorites.

PITTSBURGH -2 over Cincinnati
I figure Big Ben needed one game at full-speed (Jacksonville loss) to get his head on straight. That being said, Bengals won the division last year and got whooped at home in the playoffs by Steelers so this could be payback. See, this is a tough week.

DETROIT -6.5 over Green Bay
I went against all moral fibers in my body last week, took the Packers, and all I got was a big fat L. Lions offense needs to do something at some point with Mike Martz calling his crazy plays. Might as well be against the lowly Pack.

Jacksonville +7 over Indianapolis
I know I'm going against Indy at home two weeks in a row. But the Jags D looked ridiculous on Monday night. And it's kinda fun to root against Peyton.

New York Jets +5.5 over Buffalo
I like the Jets. They're fighters. Got down 17 to the almighty Patriots last week and made a real game of it. Bills shutout Dolphins last week but I think everyone agrees Daunte Culpepper is a shadow of his former self at this point.

MIAMI -9 over Tennessee
The Titans are a real mess. Nick Saban has to be killing the 'Fins all week for the egg they laid in their home opener. Man I'm a hypocrite. Ripping on Culpepper in the paragraph above and then taking his team right here. Hey, if someone starts paying me to do this, I'll stop being a jackass.

Washington -4 over HOUSTON
Redskins are better than 0-2...I think...

Baltimore -6.5 over CLEVELAND
UNCLE DAVE'S STINK-FREE DIAPER PICK OF THE WEEK
Man, lotta road faves this week. But Baltimore looks legit. Cleveland looks like they're in the 11th consecutive year of rebuilding and a tuddy and the extra point ain't that much to ask for. Ed Reed might take two to the house on his own.

SEATTLE -3.5 over New York Giants
I hate the Seahawks because I seem them as a threat to the Bears, but the Giants just won an emotional overtime game and Seattle's got some wicked homefield advantage.

Philadelphia -6 over SAN FRANCISCO
I got the Eagles in a suicide pool. That's my confidence on this one.

ARIZONA -4 over St. Louis
Cards are going to be tough at home all season. And despite the Rams being the newest trendy "sleeper" pick, they lost to the Niners last week. That's enough for me.

NEW ENGLAND -5 over Denver
Denver just doesn't look like the Super Bowl contender they were touted to be. They faced Chiefs backup QB Damon Huard (I don't know if that name is right, either) last week and really handed it to KC to the tune of 9-6. Patriots haven't gotten it going yet this year. It happens in Foxboro.

Atlanta -3 over NEW ORLEANS
I know I'm a bad guy for going against the Saints in their first game in the Superdome since Katrina. But the Falcons look like the best team in the NFC (I can admit it, it's only week three) and Nawlins has defeated Cleveland and Green Bay.

Have a good week. I'll be searching for a sports bar with satellite TV's at high altitude.

Last week: 10-6
Uncle Dave's Stink-Free Diapers: 1-2
Season: 20-12

Week 2 Bears Recap: Mustaches in Burbank

If a Chicago mustache grows in LA, does anyone hear it?

Sunday we were at Tin Horn Flats, a Bears bar in the middle of the sunny, porn-capital of the world, the San Fernando Valley. I didn't know what to expect. I heard this place was Chicago accents and Urlacher jerseys as far as the eye could see. This gave me hope. But honestly, this is Los Angeles, birthplace of the three-month fad (see Von Dutch hats). What were the chances?

Turns out, pretty good. Tin Horn Flats did not disappoint. The game, a decisive 34-7 blowout against the low-class Lions was over early, and I had the opportunity to observe a group of Chicagoans valiantly trying to lead their lives so far away from dipped Italian beef and Marc Giangreco. Three characters in particular caught my eye:

Punchy O'Brien
The guy in front of us gave his son "playful" slaps to the back of the head and "life-lesson" charlie horses on the shoulder every time the Bears scored (the bar also sold fifty cent beers when this occurred so against a team like the Lions, well, people were taking advantage early and often). "I'm from just north of Barrington," Punchy told me in between loving kidney blows to his son's tender lower back. He even offered to let me wind up and crack his son one, but right then Bernard Berrian sprawled out for that diving TD catch and I forgot about the generous offer.

Legs
This girl was every Chicago guy's dream. Why? Well, I didn't talk to her and still have no idea about her personality, but she had on a jean skirt, legs as long as M. Daley's tenure and an old school Bears shirt. Plus, the scrawny little actor guy she was with probably had headshots in the trunk of his car, making her quite attainable in my warped mind.

Butkus Jr.
This guy might even have been Dick Butkus' younger brother and not just because he was wearing a throwback #51 jersey. We're talking a quality salt and pepper mustache, a belly that looked like it was housing two roughhousing hooligans and a devilish smile that said, "I used to perform police brutality on jay-walkers". By the end of the game Butkus Jr. had had enough to drink so that he made Legs (the cutest girl in the bar out of three total) stand and twirl so he could get a better look at her non-Old Style swollen legs. It went something like (in your thickest Chicago accent): "Twirl for me, sweetheart. Twirl."

Two weeks in a row the Bears have looked so good, their opponent so bad, that I could relax early on and think about life's important conundrums like the perfect mustard to garnish an Italian sausage and mustachioed retired Chicago cops living in southern California.

It was a good day in the Valley. And that is probably a statement never uttered outside of Ron Jeremy's immediate social circle.