Bears-Packers: Return of the Kings
I'm not a big "Lord of the Rings" dork, but, for the most part, I did like those movies. They were kind of inspiring in the post 9/11 world. Good versus evil. Right versus wrong. Light versus dark. It made sense and comforted. Then Blackwater cornered the market on vile behavior and the metaphor lost some of its shine.
Nonetheless, we Bears fans are at a cross roads just like Gandolph, Viggo Mortensen and those other freaks. The orcs are about to storm the palace.
In the last film of the trilogy, "The Return of the King", there is a point when the bad guys break down the castle walls and begin to slaughter the pathetic humans. That little shrimpo Pippen is cowering in a corner, Viggo is off talking to a bunch of CGI ghosts, and Gandolph is fighting some crazy orcs with nothing but his lame white staff. Things were not looking good.
This sums up what it's like to be a Bears fan right now. Minnesota's rookie Adrian Peterson is the best running back in the NFC. The Lions, the freaking Lions, think their offense is some sort of work of art and they just put up 37 (34 in the fourth quarter, an NFL record) against us. And the Packers are undefeated. Plus, I hear Brett Favre saved a bus full of African babies from driving off a cliff this week. He's so perfect I want to plotz.
This sucks. We have to quell the uprising. The proletariat must be put back into its place. We need to garnish their wages and take away that extra boiled potato in the soup line.
I was watching the Bears lone victory of the season at a bar in San Francisco and the Lions fans were going crazy after their overtime win. "2 and 0! 2 and 0!" they chanted. "2 and 14! 2 and 14!" I angrily shouted back. I walked back to the table and told my brother about the exchange. Boy did I feel clever. Boy was I wrong.
Now every idiot in the Midwest thinks his team has a chance at the NFC North crown.
The rebellion is turned back Sunday night. While Al Michaels and John Madden fight for the lip space on Favre's ass, the Bears get this thing going back the other way. The right way.
Brian Griese has now seen NFL game speed for an entire four quarters. He won't throw three picks on Sunday night and if he didn't throw that last one returned for a TD against the Lions, we probably win that one too.
Cedric Benson will get more carries. The Bears will show a re-commitment to the running game and the Packers will wear down as their fans, exhausted from sucking back Miller Lite and cheese curds for 30 years on average, go gently into the cold, sad Wisconsin night.
And the defense. Not only does it still maintain some of its anchors like Brian Urlacher, Tommie Harris and Mark Anderson, we will get one or two healthy regulars back too. I don't know who it's going to be. Maybe Charles Tillman. Maybe Lance Briggs. Maybe both. But the defense will not let Brett Favre prance and dance, as he is so prone to do. Perhaps a Favre ankle sprain, or a separated shoulder?
Yeah, I'm talking about a Favre injury. So what? Remember, these animals want what is rightfully ours. They are orcs, born from mud, and they deserve no mercy.
Bear 30, Packers 24
Nonetheless, we Bears fans are at a cross roads just like Gandolph, Viggo Mortensen and those other freaks. The orcs are about to storm the palace.
In the last film of the trilogy, "The Return of the King", there is a point when the bad guys break down the castle walls and begin to slaughter the pathetic humans. That little shrimpo Pippen is cowering in a corner, Viggo is off talking to a bunch of CGI ghosts, and Gandolph is fighting some crazy orcs with nothing but his lame white staff. Things were not looking good.
This sums up what it's like to be a Bears fan right now. Minnesota's rookie Adrian Peterson is the best running back in the NFC. The Lions, the freaking Lions, think their offense is some sort of work of art and they just put up 37 (34 in the fourth quarter, an NFL record) against us. And the Packers are undefeated. Plus, I hear Brett Favre saved a bus full of African babies from driving off a cliff this week. He's so perfect I want to plotz.
This sucks. We have to quell the uprising. The proletariat must be put back into its place. We need to garnish their wages and take away that extra boiled potato in the soup line.
I was watching the Bears lone victory of the season at a bar in San Francisco and the Lions fans were going crazy after their overtime win. "2 and 0! 2 and 0!" they chanted. "2 and 14! 2 and 14!" I angrily shouted back. I walked back to the table and told my brother about the exchange. Boy did I feel clever. Boy was I wrong.
Now every idiot in the Midwest thinks his team has a chance at the NFC North crown.
The rebellion is turned back Sunday night. While Al Michaels and John Madden fight for the lip space on Favre's ass, the Bears get this thing going back the other way. The right way.
Brian Griese has now seen NFL game speed for an entire four quarters. He won't throw three picks on Sunday night and if he didn't throw that last one returned for a TD against the Lions, we probably win that one too.
Cedric Benson will get more carries. The Bears will show a re-commitment to the running game and the Packers will wear down as their fans, exhausted from sucking back Miller Lite and cheese curds for 30 years on average, go gently into the cold, sad Wisconsin night.
And the defense. Not only does it still maintain some of its anchors like Brian Urlacher, Tommie Harris and Mark Anderson, we will get one or two healthy regulars back too. I don't know who it's going to be. Maybe Charles Tillman. Maybe Lance Briggs. Maybe both. But the defense will not let Brett Favre prance and dance, as he is so prone to do. Perhaps a Favre ankle sprain, or a separated shoulder?
Yeah, I'm talking about a Favre injury. So what? Remember, these animals want what is rightfully ours. They are orcs, born from mud, and they deserve no mercy.
Bear 30, Packers 24
posted by David Stassen at 5:00 PM
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