Make Way For The "Fannouncer", Dick Enberg Needs To Be Put Down
How old is Dick Enberg? I remember being a little kid and watching the NBC afternoon game. It was a always a combination of the crappy Los Angeles Raiders, the sucky Seattle Seahawks and, if I was lucky, the choke-artists Denver Broncos with John "Baby Got Horseteeth" Elway.
This was when NBC had the AFC TV contract and it was just pathetic. Dick Enberg and Marlin Olsen called the games. I was six or seven when I started watching these weekly crap bowls and I remember thinking way back then that Enberg must be some super old dude, a dinosaur, the last of his kind. This was over 20 years ago, people. Wasn't he like a year or two away from joining AARP at the '72 Munich games?
Now he sucks so bad it's gotten pretty entertaining. Today he's doing the Jets-Ravens game and he is just so positive about everything it's a throwback to the 1950s. He's probably up in the press box smoking Chesterfield's and dreaming about Marilyn Monroe's milky calf muscle right now.
But it isn't just Dick Enberg. There are so many bad announcers calling games all over the country. How do these idiots get to keep their jobs week after week, cliche after cliche. Why do all of these morons start all of their sentences with "You talk about..."? I'll tell you why. It makes them sound like they were already talking about what happened before it happened, as if they know so much about the game they predicted it.
It always goes something like this: A running back gets a three yard gain on fourth and one. Some meat-head, former scrub offensive lineman who looks like a gorilla and talks like he has a handful of marbles stuffed in his mouth becomes very excited: "You talk about giving the extra effort on a fourth and one situation from the 27 yard line in the third quarter when your team needs a first down, that's what you're talking about!" What? They act like every play is "The Catch". This needs to stop.
Please just describe the play, show a replay, and if you have any football knowledge whatsoever, explain to the viewers what the lineman did, or how the play was designed. Something intelligent, please.
Which brings me back to sweet, sweet Enberg. Let him go. We want new blood. I would love to watch a game where they get like fans in a booth with a few beers each. Not too many beers, just enough to ease the tension of calling a nationally televised game, and see where it goes. Let them mention their fantasy team, but don't beat it into the ground. They'll call the coaches idiots and recall funny quotes from some of the dumber players in the game. They could talk about the good and crappy commercials we're all having to deal with. If there is a really bad call, it would be so refreshing to hear it from the announcers, who, as it is, ride the fence on those blatantly terrible calls.
Here are some normal, yet novel, things we would hear from the new "Fannouncers":
"What the hell was that? McNabb sucks today!"
"That sideline announcer is hot. Whatever happened to Melissa Stark? Did you ever hear that rumor about her?"
"A-Rod's lips are, like, purple. I think he wears lipstick."
"There it is, folks. The Peyton Manning, 'one of my teammates screwed up' face!"
"Tony Larussa is a self-righteous bastard"
And the like. I gotta go. Enberg might accuse Vinny Testaverde of being a shifty I-Talian and hurling forward passes to downfield colored players and I don't want to miss a senile word.
This was when NBC had the AFC TV contract and it was just pathetic. Dick Enberg and Marlin Olsen called the games. I was six or seven when I started watching these weekly crap bowls and I remember thinking way back then that Enberg must be some super old dude, a dinosaur, the last of his kind. This was over 20 years ago, people. Wasn't he like a year or two away from joining AARP at the '72 Munich games?
Now he sucks so bad it's gotten pretty entertaining. Today he's doing the Jets-Ravens game and he is just so positive about everything it's a throwback to the 1950s. He's probably up in the press box smoking Chesterfield's and dreaming about Marilyn Monroe's milky calf muscle right now.
But it isn't just Dick Enberg. There are so many bad announcers calling games all over the country. How do these idiots get to keep their jobs week after week, cliche after cliche. Why do all of these morons start all of their sentences with "You talk about..."? I'll tell you why. It makes them sound like they were already talking about what happened before it happened, as if they know so much about the game they predicted it.
It always goes something like this: A running back gets a three yard gain on fourth and one. Some meat-head, former scrub offensive lineman who looks like a gorilla and talks like he has a handful of marbles stuffed in his mouth becomes very excited: "You talk about giving the extra effort on a fourth and one situation from the 27 yard line in the third quarter when your team needs a first down, that's what you're talking about!" What? They act like every play is "The Catch". This needs to stop.
Please just describe the play, show a replay, and if you have any football knowledge whatsoever, explain to the viewers what the lineman did, or how the play was designed. Something intelligent, please.
Which brings me back to sweet, sweet Enberg. Let him go. We want new blood. I would love to watch a game where they get like fans in a booth with a few beers each. Not too many beers, just enough to ease the tension of calling a nationally televised game, and see where it goes. Let them mention their fantasy team, but don't beat it into the ground. They'll call the coaches idiots and recall funny quotes from some of the dumber players in the game. They could talk about the good and crappy commercials we're all having to deal with. If there is a really bad call, it would be so refreshing to hear it from the announcers, who, as it is, ride the fence on those blatantly terrible calls.
Here are some normal, yet novel, things we would hear from the new "Fannouncers":
"What the hell was that? McNabb sucks today!"
"That sideline announcer is hot. Whatever happened to Melissa Stark? Did you ever hear that rumor about her?"
"A-Rod's lips are, like, purple. I think he wears lipstick."
"There it is, folks. The Peyton Manning, 'one of my teammates screwed up' face!"
"Tony Larussa is a self-righteous bastard"
And the like. I gotta go. Enberg might accuse Vinny Testaverde of being a shifty I-Talian and hurling forward passes to downfield colored players and I don't want to miss a senile word.
posted by David Stassen at 2:05 PM
