White Sox Clinch, Ozzie Guillen Curses Out Champagne Bottle

In the words of my brother: "You can put it on the boooaaaard, White Sox out in the first round." It doesn't look good. The optimists will talk about the three days rest for the everyday players and the new ace Jose Contreras. But what happened to Mark Buehrle and Jon Garland? They were locks to pitch a solid seven innings a few months ago. And now they get rocked just about every start.
But I, too, am an optimist. The Sox will get the Red Sox or the Yankees in the first round. Regardless of the outcome, that is going to be a lot of fun to watch. A team from Chicago playing meaningful games in Fenway Park or Yankee Stadium in the month of October. Writing that sentence just makes me happy.
So let us enjoy this weekend's pre-playoff play-off series between the Red Sox and Yankees. Having some friends who were die hard BoSox fans and seeing as how their plight was almost (ALMOST) as pathetic as the plight of the Cubs and their fans, Boston has become my adopted playoff team for the past few Octobers. But I remember last year as soon as Keith Foulke tossed the ball to Doug Meinke... (whatever his name is), I immediately became depressed. Because now Chicago was alone in its misery. And then this past spring some of the Idiots from Boston went on Queer Eye and started highlighting their hair. I hate guys who highlight their hair. It's like being a chick who always wanted to be a blonde. What the hell is that?
So I grew sick and tired of Boston and the righteousness of all things Red Sox. But last night as soon the Red Sox got down 4-1 to the Blue Jays, I was pulling hard for them again, just like they were my hometown team. And I cheered when Big Papi took care of business in the 8th and 9th innings.
All that said, if Boston faces the White Sox I will quickly learn how to despise them and their Nantucket WASP fans. If it goes the other way, it'll be easy to cheer against the Yankees.

Welcome to my blog, SUCKAS!!!!

It's September 28, 2005 and I've just put my first three weekly Bears recap commentaries up on this free site. If you're a Bears fan, welcome. If you're not, read anyway. If you are from Wisconsin, go back to Kenosha, you scum bag.
I'm going to keep a running commentary on the 2005 Bears season and I'm sure I'll get inspired to write about a few other things. We have the baseball playoffs coming up. Hopefully the White Sox don't choke it away. NHL starts next week. Blackhawks are supposed to be decent. We picked up a Rooskie goalie I hear. NBA in about a month. Eddy Curry and the Bulls aren't getting along.
And plenty of other stuff. So look out for the weekly Bears articles. I promise to be be honest and tell it how I see it. Except for when we lose and I blame the announcers, beer vendors and opposing teams' idiot fan base. Word.

Week Three Bears Recap: Chad Johnson Should Have His Testicles Cut Off And Stuffed In His Mouth Like the Gay Doctor in “The Constant Gardener”

Chad Johnson Should Have His Testicles Cut Off And Stuffed In His Mouth Like the Gay Doctor in “The Constant Gardener”

I decided to start giving titles to my weekly recaps. The above was an actual thought that ran through my head following Chad Johnson’s second touchdown catch. That’s how I felt about Chad at that moment. “The Constant Gardener”, on the other hand, I liked.
How many times am I going to let a Chicago team burn me like this? I went back and re-read some of the stuff I wrote after the 38-6 win over the Lions. Two things were true.
The true stuff: 1) I said the Bears were not as good as the 38-6 final score might lead one to believe. They proved that after about five plays on Sunday. And 2) the Vikings would win.
Everything else I wrote were blatant lies and the feeble-minded dreams of an idiot. Onto the game…

The bad stuff:

Kyle Orton looked like a rookie again.
The Bears are so committed to stopping the run it looks like our secondary will get burnt all the time. They’re good, but not good enough to make a ton of mistakes and then try to recover. Chris Harris and Mike Brown should have given help on the Johnson TD catches. Those plays were telegraphed the whole time. Palmer made good throws but he didn’t fake anyone out.
Doug Brien is trouble. If we get that field goal to end the first half, and it’s 10-3, there’s a different attitude going into the locker room. Anyway, Brien sucks. Is Kevin Butler available? I’d even take a Sean Landetta negative three-yard punt just to see something different. Anything’s better than watching the Bears not get points after our rookie QB actually moves us down field.

Some things to be positive about:

The running game still worked. The defense held as much as it could given the fact that Orton kept handing the ball to the Bengals.
When I first looked at the season schedule back in July and started planning my game-time appetizer attack Sunday by Sunday, I thought a week four bye was too early. But the defense is probably thankful now. They were on the field a ton on Sunday and this could be a perfect time to get two weeks to rest, prepare to beat the Browns, and then face the Vikings.
Another good thing to take away from a 27-7 loss: Kyle Orton hung in there. Once the game was decided, he stayed in the game, made some nice throws and probably gave himself a little confidence boost. And Mark Bradley made some catches.

I’m gonna end on a crazy note. The following is what I wrote to myself starting midway through the third quarter:


What the fuck is wrong with me? Why did I get so cocky? This is embarrassing. The Bengals are not this good. Orton has no confidence. Randy Cross sucks. Run the ball. Just run the ball. Is it wrong that I expect the defense to score all of our points and win the game?
I don't now any Bengals fans. Does anyone? They suck,
We just got a first down. Amazing.
We ran the ball on 3rd and ten. That pisses me off. At least let Orton thrown an interception downfield. It will be like a punt.
1st and goal. We need an effing td here.
Bears down 10 with 13 and half to play,
Chad Johnson should have his testicles cut-off and stuffed in his mouth like the gay doctor in the constant gardener.

If Charles Manson followed the Los Angeles Rams back in the ‘70s, I bet he wrote some stuff like the preceding. We’re off this Sunday. Then it’s onto Cleveland to play the Browns.
2-2 and tied for first in the division, I hope.