Week 6 NFL Picks: Eh...

Last week, eh. Not bad, not great. My Stink-Free Pick of the Week proved to be an absolute abomination as the Giants rolled the 'Skins. There you go, folks. You know what to do. Let's get it on. Oh, I'm going to be in Phoenix this Monday for the Bears-Cardinals Monday night game. If anyone knows the hottest discotheques and a classy fondue joint, let me know...

Home team in CAPS

DETROIT -1 over Buffalo
2-3 versus 0-5. This game does not deserve my Shakespearean prose. Lions get their first win of the season. Done.

Carolina +3 over BALTIMORE
Baltimore is a fraud. You heard it here first. Their division is tough, they still have to face Atlanta AND go to New Orleans and Kansas City. Oh, and they have the Panthers this week. Panthers make this one very close.

Cincinnati -4.5 at TAMPA BAY
Bruce Gradowski does not play well two weeks in a row. Carson Palmer always does.

Houston -13.5 over DALLAS
This is a big line for a team with Drew Bledsoe at quarterback. He scrambles like a blind guy surrounded by cackling gang members. Texans "upset" the Dolphins last week and the Eagles proved you can definitely pass rush successfully against that Cowboy's O-line.

ATLANTA -3 over New York Giants
One of the best games of the week. Vick, Dunn and company seem real comfortable in that dome of theirs and baby Manning doesn't like playing on the road.

Philadelphia -2.5 over NEW ORLEANS
I love my Bears but if the Eagles hadn't collapsed in the fourth quarter against the Giants, they'd also be undefeated. McNabb is one of the few QB's in the league who will have success in the Superdome this season.

ST. LOUIS +3 over Seattle
Seahawks are pretty one-dimensional without Shaun Alexander. Division rivals and you gotta give the nod to the home team Rams who see Seattle as more vulnerable than the past couple of years.

Tennessee +10 over WASHINGTON
I don't know about this one. But Vince Young and the Titans hung tough with the Colts last week. Redskins got smoked. I don't see a ten-point seesaw affect for these two teams.

PITTSBURGH -7 over Kansas City
Going on a gut instinct that the Chiefs don't play two good road games in a row. They're just not that kind of team. And Super Bowl champs at home with their proverbial BACKS AGAINST THE WALL!? Gotta take the Steel crew.

NEW YORK JETS -2 over Miami
Okay, so the Jets disappointed me last week with their drubbing in Jacksonville. But they're still a nice little surprise and the Dolphins lost to the Texans last week. The Houston Texans. I'll let the sink in...

San Diego -7 over SAN FRANCISCO
UNCLE DAVE'S STINK-FREE DIAPER PICK OF THE WEEK
How did the Chargers blow that game in Baltimore? Oh yeah, Marty Schottenheimer is a weak dork and played for field goals once he got a small lead. But he's learned his lesson and Philip Rivers showed he can air it out last week.

DENVER -16.5 over Oakland
Piling it on at this point. 99 percent chance the Broncos cover and I don't have the onions to be the one guy who gets it right with the Raiders.

Chicago -9.5 over ARIZONA
I better not be jinxing my boys here. Knock knock. Bears defense against a rookie QB. I'll be at the game along with thousands of other Bears fans negating Cardinals home field advantage.

Happy betting.

Last week: 7-5-2
Uncle Dave's Stink-Free Diaper Picks of the Week: 1-5
Overall: 39-32-2

Week 5 Bears Recap: Serenity Now

There’s that episode of “Seinfeld” where George’s father, Frank Costanza, screams out “Serenity now!” every time his blood pressure is about to rise. For years, I had no such outlet during those dark Bear seasons. Chad Hutchinson, Craig Krenzel, Moses Moreno and Rashaan Salaam all had the ability to make me grit my teeth, turn bright red and rip the mini basketball hoop off the living room wall.

Things are different now. Chicago’s confidence appears to be at an all-time high. And for good reason. Sunday was like a walk in the park…a park of slaughtered buffalo, like that scene in “Dances With Wolves”. Great scene.

The Bears beat the Buffalo Bills 40-7 in a game that was never as close as the final score. A terrible roughing the passer call is the only reason Buffalo got close enough to get their one pathetic touchdown.

And that didn’t even get me fired up. I knew the game was safely in hand. Serenity now? Victory now is more like it. Frank Costanza could’ve used the 2006 Chicago Bears as his blood pressure medication

Let’s just see how the Bears and the greatest sitcom of all time match up (humor me. It’s a long season):

KRAMER
The defense. Just like Michael Richards during a good physical take, you can’t stop this crew. Tommy Harris, Lance Briggs and Brian Urlacher fly around the field like Kramer with his hair on fire. Our secondary is as hard for a quarterback to predict as Kramer’s limbs during a good back scratch (good luck, Matt Leinhart).

ELAINE
The offense. The real beauty on the team. Just as Elaine was one of TVs underrated lookers, Rex Grossman and company have come out of virtual obscurity and are just starting to earn national respect. Elaine’s got the hardened exterior of the Bears solid running game and the soft touch of our breezy passing attack.

GEORGE
Our opponents. Hapless, pathetic, truly comical. These little guys really crack me up. Did George ever get the girl or keep the job? Do these teams ever hold onto the ball or cover Bernard Berrian. Maybe Jason Alexander can get a motivational speaker gig talking to upcoming Bears opponents. He’s probably free. They could use the help, or at least a good laugh.

JERRY
Lovie Smith. Not the most animated guy in the world and not likely to crack anyone up with his straight guy act, but Lovie gets it done. He keeps all of the most valuable parts working together like a conductor pimp-slapping a world famous orchestra

And last but not least, the supporting cast:

NEWMAN
Bears special teams. Amazing (Robbie Gould’s perfect season so far), yet dangerous (Devin Hester dropping punts).

JERRY’S PARENTS
Ditka and Papa Bear Halas. When we met Jerry’s mom and dad, we understood more of who he was. With the Bears, the two coaches aren’t always around, but their presence will always be felt

DAVID PUDDY
The ex-football players who put on suits and ties and spout out cliché after cliché on TV and radio. They say things like “In the National Football League…” (Thanks, we didn’t know what NFL stood for) and “when you talk about...” (I'm not talking. I'm watching TV). Like Puddy, they are large and dim-witted.

So there you go. I wrote an entire column comparing the 2006 Chicago Bears to a TV show that ended eight years ago. Some will say it made no sense. And others, well, they probably didn’t read it.