Week 9 NFL Picks: Running Low on House Money

I am the opposite of hot right now. If you want to go bizzaro and go against all of my picks this week, I understand. But that's just what the gambling Gods want you to do. And that, my friends, is why we must persevere...

Home team in CAPS:

Atlanta -5 over DETROIT
Matt Millen's tenure as GM has set Detroit back 10 years. I love watching them suck because every journalist and TV guy in the country LOVED Millen when he was a Fox announcer (and a terrible one at that) and they were so stoked on him "turning the Lions around" when he was hired. Now they all hate him. I always hated him. I'm the best.

Cincinnati +3 over BALTIMORE
Cincy went into Pittsburgh and won earlier this season. That's basically all I got. That, and I still don't believe these Ravens are for real.

WASHINGTON +1 over Dallas
I was gonna go with the 'Boys in this one until I remembered it was the NFL, and, more specifically, the NFC East where nothing remains consistent from week to week. The NFC East reminds me of the SEC: they beat each other up and, as a collective, they're a little overrated.

BUFFALO -3 over Green Bay
Did you hear that punk Donald Driver saying Green Bay was hoping to win a few more games and maybe the Bears would lose a few and then that Packers-Bears game at the end of the season would mean something? Dude, you just beat the Dolphins and Cardinals back-to-back. You still stink.

NEW YORK GIANTS -13 over Houston
Somebody should familiarize Tiki Barber with the term "over-exposure."

ST. LOUIS -3 over Kansas City
Chiefs are a little resurgent right now but their young quarterback has to go into that noisy dome full of obnoxious, gloating Cardinals fans. Steven Jackson has a big day.

CHICAGO -13.5 over Miami
I don't so much want the Bears to go undefeated as I want that lame '72 Dolphins team to shut the f#*k up.

TAMPA BAY +1 over New Orleans
You DON'T just walk into Bruce Gradkowski's house and come out with a win. You just DON'T! But on a serious note, what's up with the new Reggie Bush haters? If the Saints draft some defensive end you think Deuce McCallister is getting 4.7 yards per carry and the Saints are 5-2?

JACKSONVILLE -9 over Tennessee
I don't know about the Jags. Who are they? Beating the Eagles on the road or losing to the Texans?

SAN FRANCISCO +6.5 over Minnesota
Brad Johnson sure looked liked the veteran, consistent, mistake-free field general on Monday night that all the announcers love, didn't he? He didn't? Oh yeah, that's right. He sucks and I'd take Alex Smith over him every day of the week.

SAN DIEGO +12.5 over Cleveland
One of the few easy games remaining on San Diego's schedule. Take advantage.

Denver +2 over PITTSBURGH
To my friends who are Steelers fans: you had a good run.

Indianapolis +1 over NEW ENGLAND
Nobody stops the Colts. Nobody...in the regular season.

SEATTLE -7.5 over Oakland
If Oakland covers this week, I'll get one foot on the bandwagon. One.

Last week: 5-9
The Still Suspended Uncle Dave's Stink-Free Diaper Picks of the Week: 1-6
Overall: 50-48-2

Week 8 Bears Recap: What I'm Thankful For (A Little Early)

Bears 41, San Francisco 10. Yeah, I know. Big whoop. This is who we are now, right? Not so fast.

I was in Zihuatanejo, Mexico for a wedding last weekend and had to find a bar to catch the game. The first bar had satellite TV, lobster tacos and every NFL game possible. Except Bears-49ers. Not a good start to an already hungover Sunday.

So we had to scramble down the beach, politely say no locals offering parachute rides in boats that saw action in Normandy, jump in a cab and get to the world famous Bandito's in downtown Z-wat (yeah, if you've been there you call it Z-wat).

We made it by the start of the second quarter and everything worked out. We caught the game, had some delicious stuffed peppers and the bill was about three bucks.

The lesson: take nothing for granted. Especially when trying to watch your NFL team in a third world country (am I still allowed to call Mexico third world? My apologies to our neighbors to the south if they've harnessed the power of drive-thru Starbucks and a child obesity epidemic without my knowledge).

Anyway, let's not take the Bears for granted:

We have Brian Urlacher, a player so good he is voted the second most overrated player in the NFL by his colleagues out of pure jealousy. Keep it up, guys. Bitter is a great way to go through life. I should know.

Coach Lovie Smith never loses his cool. This is a quality I am jealous of.

A two-headed running back monster we haven't even come close to harnessing yet. As the season wears on and Cedric Benson gets more and more carries, opposing defenses will be begging for Thomas Jones' juke moves over Big Ced's battering ram running-style.

A legitimate possession and speed receiver combo. Muhsin Muhammad, hands. Bernard Berrian, burner with hands.

Serious home-field advantage. Soldier Field in December, let alone January? I know it didn't work out all that well last year, but that Bears team had never been there before.

(An interesting side note: the Tribune does an interview each week with a different Bears player and asks all of them the same list of questions. Favorite music, high school mascot, etc. When asked what the most disappointing loss they've ever experienced is, every player has said the Carolina game. It's good it still hurts.)

So many exciting players on both sides of the ball it's become nearly impossible to pick out a jersey. Seriously, who do you go with? #91 Harris? #55 Briggs maybe? #80 Berrian and what about #99 Tank Johnson? That's the coolest name ever. Just go to the Bears website and try to buy a jersey. It will take all night, I swear.

A back-up quarterback not named Throat Hair Orton. Brian Griese can play if the unthinkable happens. Knocking on wood...

Our center knows kung fu. Olen Kreutz could beat up anyone in the world. No foolin'.

It's our turn (maybe?). New England doesn't deserve another title. Indianapolis plays in a dome so screw them. New Yorkers are smug bastards. Philly is cursed. Seattle is injured and Denver already won two championships with Mr. Ed at QB.

Okay, so the last one is more wishful thinking than something we shouldn't take for granted. But, IF the Bears DO make it to the final game in Miami, I have a lead on a ticket. I'm not saying, I'm just saying...