Week 11 NFL Picks: Rigoddamndiculous

Are you happy? I'm finally under .500. You know what that calls for? That's right... OPPOSITE PICK WEEK.

Like the legendary George Costanza, if every instinct I have is wrong, then the opposite would have to be right. Let it rain!

Home team in CAPS

Falcons lose in consecutive weeks to Detroit and Cleveland. Michael Vick has learned how to fumble without anyone actually touching him. Steve McNair could not be stopped in his homecoming in Tennessee last week. Yeah, definitely the Falcons.
Atlanta +4 over BALTIMORE

Houston has six of their 22 wins in franchise history against those pool-busting Jags. Buffalo is 3-6 and has to be disheartened after losing a close one in Indy last week. Go Bills!
Buffalo +1.5 over HOUSTON

As I was driving home from work today I swear I decided to take the Jets. I still thought the Bears were going to win, but those plucky J-E-T-S would keep it close. Now, well, now it's Bears who cover.
Chicago -8 over NEW YORK JETS

Saints lost a heartbreaker in Steel City but had a chance to win against the champs. They're really tough at home while the Bungals continue to throw away a perfectly good season. Who dey?
Cincinnati +3 over NEW ORLEANS

Miami is getting hot down the stretch again. Minnesota and Check Down Johnson are in a classic freefall that would make any NFC North rival happy. Let's go Vikes.
Minnesota +3 over MIAMI

My gut says the Patriots. I hate my guts.
GREEN BAY +7 over New England

Those Raiders keep losing and losing and losing. Chiefs at home, no matter who the quarterback, you gotta like their chances. Just cover, baby.
Oakland +10.5 over Kansas City

Browns beat Atlanta last week so maybe they're not the dawgs but I would expect the Steelers to win and I am wrong more often than I am right. Therefore...
Cleveland +3 over Pittsburgh

I thought this was a big spread and the Panthers were getting too much respect for beating a bad Buccaneers squad. I always expect the Ram to play close ones. Carolina in a blowout.
CAROLINA -7.5 over St. Louis

Normally I would take a dawg in such a huge spread, but the Eagles versus the Titans? McNabb v. Young? Piece of cake for Philly, right? Opposite day says...
Tennessee +14 over PHILADELPHIA

First start for QB Jason Campbell against that veteran Tampa Bay defense. Bruce "pass the kielbasa" Gradkowski has been tough at home... 'Skins in the upset, baby!
Washington +3 over TAMPA BAY

This has been one of the all-time most disappointing seasons in NFL history for the Cardinals. They were not even the "sleeper" pick to start the season. They were going to compete for playoff seeding. Now? They stink. Let's take 'em.
ARIZONA -1.5 over Detroit

This is a pretty tight line for the defending NFC champs who have a really good back-up QB in Seneca Wallace just in case Matt Hasselbeck goes down again. Let's take the Niners.
SAN FRANCISCO +4 over Seattle

The Colts seem to play to the level of their opponent, getting up for the Patriots and Broncos and squeaking by the Titans and Bills. They should be hyped to play T.O. in the Big D... I like the Cowboys' chances.
DALLAS +2 over Indianapolis

You have to be impressed with the Chargers' first victory over a team with a winning record last week. Denver and Jake Plummer continue to do the bare minimum to get by. Chargers have that offensive juggernaut and the Broncos have nothing to match. Let's go Donkeys.
DENVER -2 over San Diego

Man the Giants are banged up. Boo-hoo. Isn't life so unfair?
New York Giants +3 over JACKSONVILLE

Last week: 5-11
The Indefinitely Suspended Uncle Dave's Stink Free Diaper Pick of the Week: 1-6
Overall: 62-66-1

Week 10 Bears Recap: Second City Support Group

After getting embarrassed at home last week against Miami the Bears started their most talked about portion of the 2006 campaign with three road games in a row, the first two in New York, capped off with a trip to Massachusetts to face the never-ending dynasty that is the New England Patriots.

We were sure to be unveiled as pretenders, overrated and barely better than Oakland. We had been called everything short of child-molesting, North Korean-sympathizers in the days leading up to our game versus the Giants.

Boom! Bears 38. Giants 20.

Thank God. We did it. We won in New York, whooping the Giants good. What a relief, right? Now let's get the hell out of here before their cash machines permanently inhale our ATM cards.

Excuse me? I'm sorry, I didn't catch that.

We have to go back?! Ah crap.

For a sports team, going to New York sucks. If they can cheer against Michael Jordan, they clearly are soulless animals with no respect for the human condition. And now we have to back to play the JETS on Sunday.

I need something, a place to call my own. I'm proposing the Second City Support Group (bartenders who took a class at Second City and never became famous comedians are not welcome).

The first step is to admit I have a problem. I can do that. I admit that New York is overrated and my inferiority complex to such an average city is purely a product of media hype and New Yorkers' wishful thinking.

To deal with two straight weeks of Big Apple stories we can have the first meeting of SCSG right now. Let's layout some tenets:

1. You had Lawrence Taylor, crackhead. We had Walter Payton, Sweetness.

2. There's a neighborhood called Hell's Kitchen. Really? Who cares? Stupid name.

3. My college roommate once told me that when the Rangers won the Stanley Cup it was "just more special" because it was a New York team that won it. He was from Orange, New Jersey. That was my first interaction with a "real New Yorker."

4. They have Donald Trump. We have Bill Murray.

5. A guy letting a baseball dribble through his legs is the greatest moment in Mets history. Congrats, guys.

6. They pretend to cheer for Alex Rodriguez and then boo their over-priced hot dog-stuffed mouths the second the playoffs start.

7. Giants head coach Tom Coughlin acts like a 5-year old who wet his pants when the calls don't go his way.

8. Tuesdays with Morrie.

9. They totally ripped off the Native Americans for Manhattan. Chicago never did anything like that we're pretty sure.

10. Nobody beats Chicago in government corruption.

11. Michael Jordan treated Patrick Ewing like Mark Foley interviewing Jonah, the fair-haired high schooler from Tampa Bay, for a summer internship.

12. Al Capone was a cool gangster depicted by Robert Deniro in a major motion picture. John Gotti had dirty, ugly, rat-faced sons with a reality show on E!

13. Neither the Giants nor Jets have ever come to Chicago more than once during a season. Chicagoans do it twice.

And let the barrage of hate mail begin.