Week 12 Bears Recap: It's A Freakin' Circus

I was in Chicago this past weekend for the Thanksgiving holiday and had the pleasure of taking my nephew to the Ringling Brothers and Barnum and Bailey Circus on Sunday morning before the Bears game (yeah, that's actually the whole name).

The circus has changed some since I last attended twenty or so years ago, but the basic concept is still the same: get little kids hopped up on cotton candy and caramel corn, show them trained tigers and motorcycle daredevils, and then try to sell them a plastic sword that lights up when they stab their uncle in his face.

So I left the circus and headed to a bar to meet some friends for the Bears-Patriots game. Three hours later I wasn't sure if I had left the United Center or the circus had actually followed me across town.

Much like the old tented madhouse, when the Bears offense takes the field you don't know what's going to happen. You're on the edge of your seat, someone could get seriously harmed, and a sense of exaltation and the smell of feces are mere inches apart.

Let's see who's got the edge in a number of categories the Bears and the circus have in common:

RELIABILITY
The circus has a set schedule and you know they are going to be in, say, Chicago every year around Thanksgiving. The Bears offense will also always be ready to perform, granted the defense can get them the ball and the opposing team promises to never blitz Rex Grossman.
Edge: Circus

PLAYMAKERS
The tigers are cool, but they're a bit too unpredictable. So is the Bears running game but Bernard Berrian and Mark Bradley are burners.
Edge: Bears

DRUNK GUYS IN AUDIENCE
Come on.
Edge: Bears

FAT KIDS IN AUDIENCE
I'm sure there are some little porkers wondering Soldier Field asking Daddy for another licorice whip at halftime, but the Circus has easily got the next seven Subway spokespeople in its audience every show.
Edge: Circus

RINGLEADER
I'll take Rex stepping into a throw, but off his back foot, throwing five or six up for grabs every game? It's just getting tiresome. Speaking of tiresome, the cheeseball ringleader running the show at the circus needs to take it from an 11 to a 6.
Edge: Bears

(Note: I'm not quitting on Rex. Yet.)

SIDESHOWS
Ringling Bros. can still bring it: the strong man, little acrobat people, and a failed American Idol contestant. The Bears only sideshow is Lovie Smith's decision-making, like taking the field goal down seven with three minutes to go. That wasn't fun or funny.
Edge: Circus

ENTERTAINMENT
Elephants, white tigers, tiny flying Chinese men. The circus really does have it all. But with the Bears every play is like James Bond and Hitler facing off in a game of Texas Hold'em. Could be really cool, or not so much.
Edge: Bears

OVERALL VALUE
We had great seats at the circus. My nephew was completely in awe. He couldn't speak or acknowledge our questions. He just sat there with his mouth open, catching flies, looking like his dad doing a crossword puzzle. But there's nothing better than a 32-inch flat screen TV in a dungeon of a bar with a cloud of smoke so thick the coughing and eye rubbing takes your mind off the neck bruises incurred from your nephew's brand new plastic circus sword. It was like post-circus therapy. Now they just need to come up with a post-Bears defeat therapy.
Edge: Bears