The Opposite (my week 16 picks)

Ouch. 5-11 last week including a painful 0 for 3 Saturday. Overall 32-47-1. So I'm going to take the advice I give you guys every week. I'm going to break down the game, decide whom I like, and then go the other way. This will be as painless as possible:

SATURDAY

One thing about all this Vick being overrated crap: if he were white, he'd be more beloved than Brett Favre. But I like the Bucs at home. Atlanta and Tampa Bay both got shellacked on the road last week but the Bucs have been more consistent in recent weeks. That being said...

Atlanta +3 over TAMPA BAY

Cincy has looked incredible the past few games. They can even run with the Colts it looks like. Buffalo's got the worst rushing defense in the league. So...

Buffalo + 13 over CINCINNATTI

Dallas is desperate. They need a win to avoid a monumental collapse and looked so bad last week you wouldn't think professionals could play that poorly two weeks in a row.

CAROLINA -5.5 over Dallas

Lions and Saints stink. But being an NFC North guy I hate the Lions more and therefore figure they stink more. Saints have tried to compete a few games this season. Lions not so much. That's why I gotta take--

Detroit +2.5 over NEW ORLEANS

Jacksonville's offense has gotten some flack this week for being unreliable. But only giving 6 against the crap-tastic Texans? I gotta go with...

HOUSTON +6 over Jacksonville

Redskins are rolling right now. So are the Giants but I don't like their D and figure if you make the offense one-dimensional (take away Tiki), Eli Manning has struggled to win games lately. So...

New York +3 over WASHINGTON

The Steelers are no lock for the playoffs but Charlie Frye has come on strong for the Browns at the end of the season. This is not last year's Pittsburgh team by the way. Browns at home getting 7? I like 'em. That's why I'm taking...

Pittsburgh -7 over CLEVELAND

Chargers-Chiefs. Must-win for both teams actually rings true here. Chiefs in the crapper. Chargers coming off a high. So it's gotta be...

KANSAS CITY -1 over San Diego

Rams don't deserve to be 9.5 point faves against Colgate. Alex Smith has to do something to shut up his detractors. Clearly, I'm taking--

ST. LOUIS -9.5 over San Francisco

Dolphins are coming on strong and Nick Saban can clearly coach 'em up. If Miami gets a few offensive pieces in the off-season, they could make noise next year...

Tennessee +5.5 over MIAMI

Cards stunk it up last week at Houston. Eagles have some guys playing hard for roster spots next season. Philly impressed me last week. So the pick has got to be...

ARIZONA -1 over Philadelphia

Colts have nothing to play for and I can't see the assistant coach filling in for Tony Dungy getting a starter injured in a meaningless game. Obviously...

Indianapolis -7.5 over SEATTLE

Raiders lose at home the Browns? Pathetic. Broncos will want to come out stronger than they did last week, when it took them a while to put away Buffalo.

Oakland +12 over DENVER

SUNDAY

This is the one game I'm not going opposite on. I don't care. Merry Christmas, Brett Favre. Suck on this.

Chicago -6.5 over GREEN BAY

Ravens had something going last Monday night but the Vikings are still playing for a slim playoff chance.

RAVENS -3 over Minnesota

MONDAY

Belichick and Pats own the AFC East this season. If they didn't, these overrated bastards wouldn't be making the playoffs.

N.Y. JETS +4.5 over New England

Week 15 Bears Recap: Knowlege Is Good

Thank God Rex Grossman replaced Kyle "Throat Hair" Orton during Sunday night's victory over Atlanta. Sure, fans and critics have been calling for coach Lovie Smith to make the change for weeks. Passing accuracy, release-time and decision-making being among the reasons to dump Throat Hair for Sexy Rexy.

But I have a much more logical system in place to determine who should be starting for the Bears. Let's look at the college choices made by these two when they were highly recruited high school quarterbacks. Rex left Bloomington, Indiana for the fun and sun of Gainesville, Florida. Throat Hair went from Iowa to West Lafayette, Indiana to play for Purdue University. I think it is in these simple, yet telling, decisions where we can discover which Bears QB has a good head on his shoulders and, therefore, who we should trust with our playoff dreams.

Let's look at some of the differences in location and university-selection made by Rex and Throat Hair:

School motto:
"The University of Florida: no tan lines excepted"
"Come to Purdue University, agri-business capitol of the eastern Midwest!"

Weather
Florida: The Sunshine State
Indiana: Grey is good

Food
Florida: Crab legs and drawn butter for all!
Indiana: Pass the squirrel, pappy.

Social Life
University of Florida: The kissing-girls school
Purdue: Fat Bottom U

Coaching
Steve Spurrier, Heisman winner, national champion
Joe Tiller, likes to bow hunt, comb mustache

Team History
Florida: Emmitt Smith, Jevon Kearse, Neal Anderson just to name a few
Purdue: Drew "Blotch Face" Brees, Throat Hair

Rivalries
Florida: Florida State, Miami University, SEC
Purdue: Michigan JV squad, Ohio State flag football IM champs

Campus
Florida: Bring a pair of flip-flops for the rainy week.
Purdue: Bring a good pair of galoshes for the blizzard semester.

Education:
Florida: "The History of Film" taught by Girls Gone Wild creator Joe Francis
Purdue: "The Gastro-intestinal History of the Great Plains Bovine: pre-Industrial Revolution" taught by Professor Shtupengrad.

Biggest Bowl Game
Florida: 1998 Sugar Bowl National Champs
Purdue: 2001 Liquid Plumr Bowl loser to Middle Southwestern Idaho Teachers College

Local motto
Gainesville: The Hurricane-free part of Florida!
West Lafayette: Where the movie "Twister" comes to life!

I think I've made my point. Thanks for all you did, Throat Hair. But, uh, we've got to move on. It's us, not you. We're just not ready to be in a relationship with a wildly inaccurate and inexperienced quarterback. We need someone more stable. Someone like, say, your older, better-looking friend Rex. What's that? He went to Florida? Cool. I heard those guys can party.