NFL Lines For Week 14 By Mush

Not counting the juice I would've lost, I broke even last week. That's right, a coooool 8-8 to bring my three week record to 20-27-1. So it's time to dominate this week and move into winning record territory. Onto the disaster:

(home team in CAPS)

CAROLINA -5 over Tampa Bay
I love the NFC South. These guys kill each other (minus the Saints)for the last four weeks of the season every year. Atlanta, Carolina and Tampa Bay would all win the AFC East, right?

Anyway, Deshaun Foster got on track last week and the Panthers discovered a second weapon to compliment Steve Smith. December on the road in playoff atmospheres is when inexperienced QB's show their true colors. Chris Simms might be in trouble seeing as how the Panthers D bottled up Mike Vick last weekend. And Chris Simms is no Mike Vick (That, of course, was a reference to the Lloyd Benson-to-Dan Quayle barb from the '88 VP debate. Politics are awesome!).

New England -3.5 over BUFFALO
The Patriots just get to keep chalking up easy division victories each week. I'm okay with that, as long as come playoff time they are embarrassed, destroyed and sent home like crying little girls. Sorry, just got angry there for a second. Too much good stuff for one city make blog mad!

MINNESOTA -6.5 over St. Louis
Vikings keep this ridiculous roll going against a perennially over-rated Rams team. As a fantasy owner of Stephen Jackson I have to wonder why St. Louis doesn't get the ball to their most potent weapon more often. Rams coach, mustache guy, has promised to run the ball more this week. Great, now even dunderhead Mike Tice can gameplan to stuff the run and make the Harvard QB beat them. How are the Vikings suddenly nipping at the Bears heels? I hate this.

Chicago +5.5 over PITTSBURGH
I predict an early defensive touchdown for the Bears, taking the rabid Steeler fans out of the game and extending the Bears quarterback controversy another week since Thomas Jones will shoulder the load once we get the lead and Kyle Orton won't have the chance to lose this one. Was that a run-on sentence? F U.

Oakland +3 over N.Y. JETS
The Jets stink. Herm Edwards lost it at his press conference this week and their quarterback's best play is the hand-off. Raiders still have Randy Moss. How bad is Kerry Collins? Even I could find a way to throw at least five Hail Mary's to Randy Moss a game. Oh, and Lamont Jordan comes back to New York and has his best game of the season.

Indianapolis -8 over JACKSONVILLE
Think about this people: a back-up NFL quarterback (think about how bad some of the starters are, now think how bad you would have to be to back-up those d-bags) is only an eight point underdog against one of the best teams in the history of the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE? If I had some money, I would bet it on Indy.

TENNESSEE -6.5 over Houston
Titans can put up some points, even if it's against the 49ers. McNair is not as beat up this season as in the past. David Carr continues to suck and make me laugh. I love upside-potential golden boys who don't pan out. Makes my life a little more bearable I guess.

CINCINNATI -12 over Cleveland
Carson Palmer and the defense wouldn't let Chad Johnson look bad after touting the Bengals' greatness to Dan Patrick, right? Cincy found a new level of confidence with that win at Ketchup Park last week.

ARIZONA +4 over Washington
Teams with something to play for versus teams with very little to play for. Should be a lock but this is one of those games you forget about and a year from now watch the NFL Films 2005 Redskins season review and then remember they blew it at Arizona in week 14.

N.Y. Giants -9 over PHILADELPHIA
Philly sucks so bad I feel bad tearing into them last week. Didn't their fans look pathetic sitting in the snow on Monday night? It reminded me of sitting in the pouring rain at Wrigley in the middle any Cubs season in the past 20 years. Giants, and perhaps the whole NFC East, are proving over-rated. But the Eagles have got nothing going for them at this point. Too bad they got terrible so late they can't even get a ticket for the Reggie Bush lottery.

SEATTLE +16 over San Francisco
While I'm getting sick of looking at that fat walrus Mike Holmgren carrying his big menu of plays on the sideline every week, the Seahawks do owe Niners big time for giving them a scare a few weeks ago. That being said, the only reason this Seahawks team scares me is that they might get to face Kyle Orton in the playoffs.

SAN DIEGO -13.5 over Miami
Lots of double-digit spreads this week. This seems like one of the safer ones. Sage Rosenfeld may look okay against Buffalo, the worst secondary in the league, but against a playoff-caliber Chargers team?

DENVER -14.5 over Baltimore.
And the hits just keep on coming. NFL schedule-makers must've really wanted some late season locks for playoff contenders like Chargers and Broncos. This game looks like another stinker (same could be said for Steelers getting the Bears at home, but that one's shaping up a little differently).

Kansas City +3 over DALLAS
Bledsoe has looked downright geriatric the past few weeks. He might fare a little better against the Chiefs D at home, but this one feels like the game of the week. One or two points tops.

GREEN BAY -6 over Detroit
I don't know. Crappy teams in December in the freezing cold. I'll take the Packers due to their sucking for a shorter period of time.

ATLANTA -10 over New Orleans
Monday Night Football is retarded. No, check that. That's offensive to retards who would've known never to put a Jim Haslett-coached team on Monday night in December. Carolina-Tampa. That's gotta be the MNF game this week!

Week 13 Bears Recap: That Movie "Twins" Really Taught Some Life Lessons

I wanted to write a whole article about how the TV show "Cheers" didn't miss a beat when Kirstie Alley replaced Shelley Long and how that could relate to Rex Grossman coming in for Kyle Orton in the next few games. But I started writing it and felt like a fraud. "Cheers", while a great show, wasn't a slice of Chicago. It was Boston. And I'm sick of those self-righteous bastards. "Woe is us. We're Boston. We talk funny! We're the best!"

So screw that idea. I found a much more universal way to describe how Bears fans are thinking about the "quarterback controversy" and that way is the classic 80's comedy "Twins" starring Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito. If you haven't seen "Twins", you're an idiot. Here's a quick recap: Arnold and Devito are separated at birth after a DNA experiment-gone-bad. Arnold is given all the good genes. Little Devito is chock full of runtness. They meet as adults, become brothers and find love (with women).

Right now the Bears have Kyle Orton playing QB. He was thrown into the situation with no warning and very few credentials. He throws a lot of interceptions and seems to have problems making the most basic of throws. Kyle's got hair issues. He's growing a beard, but it's pretty patchy. It's kinda thin and wispy in the mustache region and, overall, just isn't a good look for a 22 year-old.

In his most recent game, Orton threw for 67 yards and one interception against the 2-9 Green Bay Packers. Thankfully, the defense beat Packers QB Brett Favre into a bloody pulp and even scored the Bears only touchdown. That's basically this week's recap. Getting back to the analogy...

Danny Devito was the twin on the streets. Raised in an orphanage, he had to hustle to earn his keep. Never the best-looking guy, he managed to hang out with a moderately semi-attractive woman.

Clearly, Orton is our balding midget. People just dump on little Kyle lately. He can't do anything right. His quarterback rating stinks. Similarly, Devito didn't have any friends at the start of "Twins". I think some gangsters were after him and his nightly ritual consisted of pouring himself a drink and making some "nuked food" for one. That is no way to live. Trust me.

So Devito is living in LA, probably fighting the urge to blow his brains out from day to day, while big man Arnold is living on some tropical paradise with a sketchy old guy. Arnold was raised on an island learning about art, poetry, and recounts. He seemed to be the perfect human being.

This is how Bears fans think of Rex Grossman right now. Sexy Rexy's been away all season rehabbing that bum leg and his absence has made the sausage-clogged hearts grow fonder. In our minds he's grown five inches, added 20 pounds of muscle and learned how to read defenses like Tom Brady.

But what happened when Arnold left his isolated world and came to the big city? Big problems. His flaws and naivete were exposed. He couldn't work the microwave, talk to girls, or understand even the most basic concepts of sarcasm. It was a mess. A hilarious mess.

This could happen to Sexy Rexy. What if just like Arnold, he's been on that island too long? He's only started six career games and his legs appear to be made of peanut brittle. Weaknesses could be exposed and now that it's getting down to the wire, it might not be wise to switch horses.

Sure, right now we're stuck with that little turd Devito, but he's gotten us this far. We're 9-3 and every weekend Orton feeds us a nurturing portion of nuked food.

If Orton is going to be killed by nefarious loan sharks this Sunday in the form of the Pittsburgh Steelers defense, then we'll have to put in Grossman. I'm okay with that. But imperfect Kyle has proved he can survive.

In the long run (hell, maybe even this season) Grossman is the right horse, but let's wait until Orton proves his low-life status beyond a doubt. A bad quarterback rating doesn't completely convince me when the Bears have won eight games in a row.

Afterall, Arnold didn't get to bed Kelly Preston until Devito taught him how to dance and mac chicks. Maybe Grossman could learn a few things from Orton before we let him take our baby out for a spin.