Bull Jive

MICHAEL AND KOBE: PEAS AND... SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT THAN PEAS

Unless you were recently trapped in a well or stuck in an elevator, you undoubtedly heard the news that Kobe Bryant scored 81 points against the Toronto Raptors a few weeks ago.

This impressive feat immediately vaulted Kobe into a historical context alongside Wilt Chamberlain, Elgin Baylor and Michael Jordan.

The coverage has been almost as unbearable as two weeks of Super Bowl pseudo-hype. Did you know Jerome Bettis is from Detroit? Yes, now please stab me in the eye with a fork.

But getting back to the media’s new/old darling, Kobe Bryant, I just want to run down a few things that separate Kobe from MJ. I was initially inspired to look at these two next to each other when I was reminded that the night Michael scored his career high of 69, he also set his career high in rebounds (18).

These are in no particular order but ARE based on pure scientific facts:

SMILE
Michael’s smile could sell sand to a Saudi. Kobe’s smile lures Colorado front desk girls into… I’ll stop there.

SIGNATURE MOVE
For Michael, there’s the shot against Cleveland, the hand-switch in the ’91 Finals and, of course, his last shot as a Bull against the Jazz in ’98. Kobe’s signature move? Moving Shaq to Miami.

CITY
Chicago: New York but with nice people. Los Angeles: strip mall garbage wasteland. I used to live there, people. It’s true.

BACKGROUND
Michael hit the shot as a freshman to win the NCAA Championship for the storied program of North Carolina. After winning two straight college player of the year awards he went on to win a gold medal in the ’84 Olympics.
Kobe was partially raised in Europe. I can’t go on. I’m gonna be sick.

BITTER RIVAL
The Pistons, the Knicks, Michael beat them all.
Kobe’s biggest rival? That’s right: Ruben Patterson. Who? Exactly.


SIDEKICK
Michael had the incomparable, graceful, perfect Scottie Pippen. Kobe IS the sidekick.

RINGS
Six to three.

I think my work here is done.