Vikings Coach Mike Tice Has A Tiny Pea Brain

I hate Minnesota Vikings coach Mike Tice. Don't you? I mean, isn't he a total retard? I'm a Bears fan, so I guess I should be happy that he is still the coach of the Vikings and screws up a rival NFC North team on a weekly basis. But I just hate him so much I'd rather he not be in the league at all.

He keeps that pencil over his ear to try and trick us, make us think he is some sort of thinking man. But we know the truth. He is a real dunderhead. That's old school for fucking moron.

What is it about Mike Tice that sucks so bad? He's booming bass voice that reveals a real jock mentality for attempting to sound thoughtful while really just using polysyllabic words like "organization" and "football." Is it his tiny Cro Magnon-style skull that incites such anger in the masses? Or is it simply the fact that we all know no one as dumb as a career back-up tight end should be given all of the credit, money, and media attention that Mike Tice receives.

In conclusion, Mike Tice is a real piece of shit. How could you have Daunte Culpepper and Randy Moss on the same team for six years and never accomplish jack squat? Thankfully, the Vikings come to Chicago this Sunday. We can expect the idiot parade, led by the grand pooba of dildo's, Mike Tice, to march into Soldier Field, drool uncontrollably, eat some non-toxic glue, and lose the game through horrible decision-making. Thanks, Mike Tice. You're the best. And by best, I mean the fucking worst.

ALCS Game 2 Notes

The White Sox won game two over the Anaheim Angels on one of the most controversial calls in baseball history Wednesday night. A.J. Pierzynski swung and missed for strike three, thought he had not been called out because the ball hit the dirt, ran to first base, and was called safe by the home plate umpire. Pablo Ozuna then pinch ran, stole second, and scored on Joe Crede's two strike, two out single. Californians (the 17 of them who care about baseball) are up in arms. The media is calling for the installment of instant replay ASAP. Sweet Tim McCarver shat his pants in the booth after Chicago won. "The White Sox didn't deserve to win. The Angels were robbed!"

So what?! We'll take it. You take 10 or 15 different strike calls AGAINST the White Sox from game two, over-analyze every one of them, theoretically prove that those calls went against the Sox, and then say that the game was ruined. That's what drives me crazy about all of these calls for instant replay this week. There were bad calls made all game, against the Sox and Angels. It just so happens that a possible "bad call" was made in the bottom of the ninth when Chicago was able to push the winning run across the plate.

We still had to have pinch runner Ozuna steal second. Still had to have Joe Crede go down 0-2 in the count so Ozuna could get THAT base. And we still needed Joe Crede to crush a ball off the left field. All of that still had to happen for the White Sox to win the game. So get over it, Anaheim, Los Angeles, Orange County, Inland Empire Angels. The series ain't over. But if Jon Garland gets back into first half form tonight, you guys are dead in the water (Donnie, The Big Lebowski).

In my opinion the series has been so close so far, so well-pitched, that it IS fair the teams go back to Anaheim tied at one's. This weekend will decide the series. Is anyone listening to me? Ah, screw it. Godfather II is on cable. I'm gonna have some birthday cake in Havana.

ALCS Game 1 Journal

Game One is exactly what happens to Chicago teams. It was so Chicago. The White Sox come in on too much rest, heavily favored, with the better pitching and proceed to sleepwalk, botch simple plays and generally screw up in ways they haven't screwed in all season.

For me, the night started off bad, what with all of the House and Prison Break promos. Tonight, on a very special episode of House, House gets AIDS. Tonight on Prison Break. Prison Break gets raped. Tonight on Fox.

If there were any Angels fans from Orange County at Comiskey on Tuesday night, were they fearing for their lives? Do they regret their decision to come or the wealth they've accrued to make the trip possible? I'm from Chicago and cheering for the White Sox but I don't know if I don't go down there for fear they'd smell the North Side on me. I think the real mean ones can.

I thought that we were either going to blow them out early, or they would score first and then the White Sox would play nervous all night. After Garrett Anderson homered and Paul Byrd cruised through the bottom of the second, you knew it was going to one of those nights. Like when the Bears were awesome in 2001, had a bye week in the first round of the playoffs, and then got their clocks cleaned by the Eagles. Or any of those times the championship Bulls would lose the opening game of a series in which they were heavily favored.

Just off the subject for a second, how the hell did some kid steal a jet and fly it to Florida? Where is Homeland Security? Do they actually do anything besides scare us with their color charts? Moving on...

Joe Buck seemed to be cheering for the Angels all night. There was even a moment where Tim McCarver and Lou Piniella said they loved visiting Chicago. McCarver then sarcastically noted that Buck loved it, too. Buck didn't respond. What's that, Joe? You prefer St. Louis? What do they have there? One mall with a Bennigan's inside an old train station. Screw you, Buck.

Playoff experience is huge. In 2003, the Red Sox were probably the better team in the ALCS. But the Yankees had been clutch before. The Angels have a World Series under their belt. The White Sox need to some October confidence under their belt in a hurry. They looked like they had it against the Red Sox in the ALDS with all those clutch hits, so I think they still have time to get that Ozzie-swagger back against the Angels.

Week Five Bears Recap: I'll Be In The Basement Working The Heavy Bag

When I was a kid my dad used to send me down to the basement of our house after the Bears lost. I was supposed to expel my anger over another demoralizing defeat by working the heavy punching bag hanging next to Pinbot, the talking pinball machine. I don't know if he installed the heavy bag as a response to my young rage or it merely was a helpful coincidence that he had a son with anger management issues and a 75 pound bag of wool stuffing swinging next to the furnace. Either way, it was there I learned the sweet science. In later years, the sweet science, for me, consisted of taking furious blows to the head by off-duty Chicago cops and Aryan frat boys from Vanderbilt armed with Keystone Light bottles. But I digress...

I had the pleasure of watching the Bears game at my parents' house in Chicago this weekend. It was a great Sunday. I was hungover, we got a deep dish pizza, the Bears were outplaying Cleveland in every phase of the game.

Then I blinked. Or went to take a whiz. I don't know what happened but suddenly I was dropping F-bombs left and right, my mom was yelling at me, the dog was cowering under the table, and with two minutes left in the game my dad threatened to send me down to the basement.

How did we go from completely dominating a game for 56 minutes, controlling the line of scrimmage on both sides of the ball, and having a 100 yard rusher to getting blown out by the Lake Erie Browns? I watched the entire game yesterday and I still don't know the name of one Cleveland defender. This one hurt, bad.

Kyle Orton didn't lose this game for us. Then again, he didn't win it either. There has to be a happy medium between throwing down the field against the Bengals for five interceptions and not taking one chance against the Browns a game later. I appreciate letting the running game develop and not screwing up good drives with poor choices from the passing game. But take a shot deep, please!

I'm sorry but now that I am writing this I really can't believe what happened. We were winning 10-6 with four minutes to go, right? What the hell happened? I don't know what Mike Green did to get benched in week one, but there is no way rookie free safety Chris Harris is better than Green. Getting burned in the fourth quarter of a close game is inexcusable. What was he worried about? Another Reuben Droughns 2 yard rush up the gut? I think Urlacher had that covered, Chris. NOW GET YOUR ASS IN THE F*$KING ENDZONE AND DECAPITATE ANTONIO BRYANT!

Oh boy, here I go again. Getting real angry.

I think the biggest mistake of the game was not challenging the Cedric Benson fumble. It was clear after the replays that he was down before losing the ball. Everyone in Chicago was confident when Fox went to commercial during the change of possession that we would challenge and get the ball back. How does a booth full of football coaches miss that? They see the same replays we do.

It just proves my theory that FOOTBALL COACHES ARE IDIOTS! The media loves to jump on these guys as "geniuses." Let's keep this in perspective, people. These are former football players, guys not smart enough to get into broadcasting when their pathetic careers are over, but lucky enough not to be ravaged by multiple concussions from covering punts for the 1974 St. Louis Cardinals. So they were better at memorizing a playbook and did a good job of kissing every coach's ass who they ever played for and now they are a bunch of Enrico Fermi's splitting football atoms in their sleep? No.

Now the Browns (it hurts just to write that word, knowing they actually beat us yesterday. Angry again) didn't score on the possession after the Benson "fumble" but they did punt from mid-field and the Bears were pinned in the shadow of the their own endzone the rest of the game. We'd have the ball at our own 10, punt, and Cleveland would start out at the 50. This happened two or three times and you just knew the Bears defense couldn't keep bending without breaking.

Did we really lose this game? I'm sorry. I just can't believe it. There is a silver lining, however. The Bears sucked last year, too. So we have a really easy schedule. At least for the next five games. Minnesota, Baltimore, at Detroit, at New Orleans, San Francisco. A great team goes 5-0 during that run. A good team, 4-1, The Bears? I have no idea. I always predict a 16-0 season so clearly the beatings to my neck and brow have taken their toll. Maybe I'll switch over to the speed bag next weekend, work on my left a little.