Picking Games With The Legally Retarded

Last week 7-9. For the season 27-36-1.

This week is going to be the underdog special. Some of the lines seem a little high. Check it...

(home team in CAPS)

Tampa Bay +4.5 over NEW ENGLAND
When teams want to beat the Patriots this year they've pounded the rock. Cadillac Williams can do just that. That being said, Booger McFarland is out for the Bucs D so Corey Dillon might just do the same. Still, I'd rather have Booger McFarland out versus a questionable Tom Brady.

Kansas City +3 over N.Y. GIANTS
Every week the NFC East looks more and more overrated. Cowboys beat the Chiefs last week thanks to a pass interference called that wouldn't have been called in Arrowhead. Period. And the Chiefs still covered. So I like Larry Johnson with the rock against a back-sliding Eli "Big Weenie" Manning.

BUFFALO +8.5 over Denver
This is my first pick in the week of too-big-of-a-line Sunday. We're in December, when guaranteed playoff teams like the donkey's start to coast a little and crappy teams like the Bills think they are building something for "next year."

ARIZONA -1 over Houston
I don't know. Do we really care? I mean look at this game. I have an intramural basketball game on Sunday at noon. What are the chances we have more fans in the church gym? I'll set it at 5 to 1.

NEW ORLEANS +8 over Carolina
Too-big-of-a-line Sunday continues. Did gamblers not learn anything from the Panther's drubbing last week at the hands of the Buccaneers? Saints play hard. They suck and they're poorly coached, but they play hard.

MIAMI -7.5 over N.Y. Jets
Miami has really come on at the end of the year. But there's nothing very good to talk about with this game.

Pittsburgh -3 over MINNESOTA
In addition to too-big-of-a-line Sunday, it's also Pound the Rock week here on the short bus. Hopefully some chinks in the Vikings armor are revealed. We all know they haven't beaten a good team during this streak (except for the Giants game when they didn't score on offensive TD).

San Diego +7.5 over INDIANAPOLIS
I think the Colts end up 14 and 2. Losing this week and next week at Seattle. They've made their point.

TENNESSEE +7.5 over Seattle
Another one for too-big-of-a-line Sunday. Seattle is overrated. We're agreed, right? Their schedule is cake. Two games each against Cardinals, Niners and Rams?

JACKSONVILLE -14 over San Francisco
Reports are that Alex Smith has small hands and smells like cabbage.

ST. LOUIS -3 over Philadelphia
Battle of teams whose windows have passed. Sad. But the Rams still have a few weapons. Eagles called me this week to see if I could play d-back, but I couldn't get out of work.

Cincinnati -7 over DETROIT
The bad thing about Matt Millen's upcoming firing is that we'll have to listen to him do color on Fox next year.

OAKLAND -3 over Cleveland
This game sucks.

Dallas +3 over WASHINGTON
Big Tuna may have luscious man-jugs, but he can coach 'em up.

CHICAGO -3 over Atlanta
Sweet. Sunday night game means I get to watch this one on Deffy (my HDTV) instead of the bar with crappiest food in America.

Green Bay +3 over BALTIMORE
Are ABC execs insane? Did anyone think Baltimore would be decent this year? Wasn't there a strong hint in the preseason that the Packers could suck? Maybe hindsight is 20/20 but I definitely would have had Steelers-Vikings or Chiefs-Giants on MNF.

That is all. My friend Ben is taking a helicopter to Atlantic City on Friday night to go play cards. I'm about to defrost a Boston Market frozen turkey dinner. What drugs did I do in college that he didn't?

Week 14 Bears Recap: I'll Have The Mike Brown

I own four Bears jerseys: Payton home, Payton away, Singletary and my personal favorite, #58 Wilber Marshall. Wilber could not play in today's NFL because he could never make a paycheck big enough to cover the fines for illegal hits. The man just loved to deliver concussions. He would come in at a full sprint, lower his head and launch the crown of his helmet into a quarterback's jaw. Afterwards the QB would look like a WWF wrestler after receiving a match-ending sleeper hold: lights out. Wilber was as valuable a member of the 1985 Bears defense as anyone.

But as you may have noticed, none of my jerseys originated in the past two decades (same goes for my Bears memories). This Christmas I asked for a new Bears jersey and Sunday's drubbing at the hands of the Pittsburgh Steelers proved what a wise choice I made when picking a current Bear to honor with a place in my extensive wardrobe.

I asked for a Mike Brown (sounds like a strange German fetish, but I just want the jersey). What's that, you say? You didn't even see #30 on the field Sunday? He must be so bad he's a bench player?

No no. Brown didn't travel with the team this past week in order to rest a calf injury. So what happened? The Bears gave up 180 rushing yards, couldn't wrap up a ball carrier and generally played as if the lice in Kyle Orton's throat hair had infected all of them.

Not only is Brown the clichéd "emotional leader" of the team, he's also the strong safety who acts as a fourth linebacker, gets in the box to stuff the run and, oh yeah, owns the franchise record for defensive touchdowns. This season especially, any sort of touchdown record holder for the Bears should be on the field as much as possible. They should consider letting Brown punt the ball just in case the blocking breaks down and he has to run for it on fourth and 13. Three out of four times, he takes it to the house I bet.

From the first play of the game it didn't look like the Bears played with any fight. When the coaching staff decided to keep Brown at home, resting him before three straight conference games to end the regular season, it was as if the team already knew their fate was sealed.

Why do you think coach Lovie Smith didn't throw Rex Grossman in at QB in the second half? Why stir up the controversy in a game the Bears never planned on winning anyway? If next week, against the Atlanta Falcons and with Brown on the field, the offense is struggling and the Bears are still in it, then you might see Sexy Rexy. But against a desperate Steelers team and without our key defensive player, don't bring in Grossman when Orton might have fared better had the defense not put him in a cold, dark hole to begin with.

Who were the guys replacing Brown in the secondary anyway? Todd Johnson for one. I know that because his ENTIRE NAME was on the back of his jersey. That is always a bad sign. No good player ever has his whole name on his jersey. It's just so nerdy I can't believe a professional football player would stand for it. There was also a guy named McGown, who is of no relation to former Bears QB bust Cade McNown, but played equally bad.

So karma caught up with the Bears Sunday. Four forced fumbles and not a single one recovered. That's okay. It's good to sacrifice a little something to the football gods before the playoffs. I guess that's why Mike Tice and Vikings threw a couple of strippers overboard on the sex cruise. Just kidding.

If Brian Urlacher drives the Bear defense, Mike Brown is the ignition. And they never got started on Sunday.

How did I know all this when I chose my next jersey? I didn't. At least, not exactly. I knew that in 2001 when we went 13-3, Mike Brown was the guy that returned interceptions for touchdowns in overtime two weeks in a row. I knew that in week two of 2004, Brown picked up a fumble at Lambeau field, went 96 yards for a score to help beat the Packers, but tore his Achilles later in that same game and the season was a disaster thereafter.

Until Christmas I'll continue to pay homage to the old school on Sunday's. After Santa delivers my brand new, crisp #30 (Size L. Got that, Mom?), it'll mark a new era in my relationship with the Bears. I'll be looking to the future. Or at least the present. Sweetness would be proud. And if the Bears do the unthinkable this season and go all the way, I promise not to get my next Bears jersey until 2025. Better make the Mike Brown a double-XL, Mom.