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Look At My NFL Predictions, Now Slowly Walk Away

I just want to start this off by saying that I was at the store today and tried to buy one of those protein bars for breakfast. It turns out Luna Bars are "specifically formulated for women." The cashier actually made me return it (in front of a huge line of people) for an a-asexual almond fudge bar. So however bad I do with these picks, I've already had my most embarrassing moment of the week. On to the games:

Jacksonville -4 over TENNESSEE
I'll bet against the Titans until Billy Volek is starting. Plus, the Jags finally got some offense going last week.

Miami +2 over CLEVELAND
One of the worst games of the season. Only interesting question is does Ricky Williams smoke out with Cleveland locals Bone Thugs'N Harmony? I saw the Dolphins almost beat New England last weekend. That's good enough for me.

NEW ENGLAND -10 over New Orleans
Classic comeback last week for the Brady and the Pats. New Orleans needs this season to be over as soon as possible. Patriots are still missing a lot of key players, but at home against a bad team, Belichick finds a way, plugs in some random plays that gets points and Patriots Super Bowl talk resumes. Thank God.

WASHINGTON -5.5 over Oakland
On Tuesday I saw Raiders linebacker Danny Clark on Jim Rome Is Burning. When asked if Norv Turner had lost the team, Clark thoughtfully paused and then didn't completely deny the idea. Then Randy Moss does basically the same thing when asked if he believed in Coach Turner. Bad signs.
Redskins can now taste the NFC East. They might lose all of their divisional games, but they won't it blow against the gutless Raiders.

NEW YORK GIANTS -7 over Philadelphia
The Eagles went to four straight NFC championships. Nice work. Thanks for playing. The window just shut. And wasn't Mike McMahon in Detroit for a couple of years with Joey Harrington? I'm pretty sure he was. If you suck so bad that the Lions say to you, "you know what, Joey's record as a starter is three and 78 and we're OKAY with that. No QB controversy, no training camp duel. Thanks, Mike. Have a nice life," then you have to really suck. Plus, the Eagles couldn't run the ball when they had T.O. AND Donovan. What are they going to be like now? NFC East teams playing Philly are going to enjoy the rest of this season, payback time.

On a sidenote: how good is Terrell Owens? He hasn't played the last two games and still has 57 more yards than the Giants leading receiver Plaxico Burress. If McNabb is out the rest of the season, if they decide to shut him down, but the Eagles manage to hover around 6-7, do they suck it up and bring T.O. back? And why is McNabb immune from criticism? Ever since Rush Limbaugh said that stupid S*#t, you can't say anything bad about his game. He choked in the Super Bowl, he often holds the ball too long in the pocket and he didn't do what a good leader would do to keep T.O. in check before the meltdown.

ATLANTA -6 over Tampa Bay
So Chris Simms' development is complete, huh? Interesting. Falcons are still a good team and lost at home to the Packers last week. Falcons mad. Falcons take out frustrations on priveleged, albino Tampa Bay QB.

ST. LOUIS -9.5 over Arizona
Arizona let Joey Harrington throw three touchdown passes last week. Jamie Martin isn't very good but they can hand the ball off the Steven Jackson all day. They won't, but they could.

CHICAGO +2.5 over Carolina
I like that the Bears offensive line goes to FBI anti-terror camps to squeeze off a few rounds. I like that they then go drinking and get into bar room brawls with each other. That is a nasty streak. You don't think Jimbo Covert and Tom Thayer ever tussled after a night of Jim McMahon buying everyone tequila shots on Rush Street? Fred "Glass Jaw" Miller is back this week and the Bears will run the ball.
Carolina has won its last six games against teams with a combined record of 20-34. The only team in that stretch with a winning record is the overrated Bucs. Bears at home finally get up for a big game.

DALLAS -8 over Detroit
Joey Harrington throws three touchdown passes and Steve Mariucci says he's sticking with Jeff Garcia because he named Garcia the starter a few weeks ago. What?! Does Mooch WANT to get fired? The Lions franchise QB has the best game of his pathetic career and they go with Garcia? Okay, that makes it easy for me. I'm taking Dallas, their stingy D, and a running game that should control the clock.

Seattle -11.5 over SAN FRANCISCO
Cody Pickett was one for 13 last week in Chicago in what could be called dry monsoon conditions. The wind probably was the reason he completed the one. Shaun Alexander could break all-time single game rushing record in this one (or maybe that's my fantasy football fantasy).

Buffalo +9.5 over SAN DIEGO
I got burned a few weeks ago by Marty refusing to close out the Jets on the road. Marty's a choke artist, always has been, always will be. From the Browns to the Chiefs to last year in the playoffs against the Jets. Bills start J.P. Losman. He plays just well enough to cover, no matter how many scores LT gets.


DENVER -12.5 OVER New York Jets
Did anyone in the league throw in the towel earlier than the Jets? Chad Pennington never proved much to me but as soon as he went down, everyone agreed J-E-T-S were done done done.

CINCINNATI +4.5 over Indianapolis
Don't you get the feeling Tony Dungy has already figured out how many win it's going to take to get home-field? Assuming there's a Denver choke in December, Peyton and co. won't be exerting a lot of energy or showing a lot of their arsenal the rest of the way.

HOUSTON +6.5 over Kansas City
Houston looks to extend their home win streak to two. They might not, but with KC unable to score like everyone thought they would (what's wrong with Trent Green... besides the terrible passing accuracy?), the Texans keep it close.

Minnesota +3.5 over GREEN BAY
Maybe the toughest game of the week to pick. Vikings suck, right? They didn't score an offensive TD last week, but still won at the Giants. Green Bay is terrible but won AT the ATL. Now this 2-7 team with a rapdily decling Brett Favre and no run stuffer on D is a home fave? Mike Tice is still a functional retard in my book, but Brad Johnson keeps the Vikings in this one by not screwing up.

Week 10 Bears Recap: A Face Only A Mother Could Lovie

If I ever have a kid and he/she ends up being really ugly, sucks at sports and generally has nothing going for him/her, I will probably have to pump myself up for school plays and soccer games. Force myself to say things like "Katie, you look beauiful. The headgear totally draws the eye away from that runaway acne situtation" and "No, Tommy, coach is just saving you for the playoffs. None of the good players ever play until the championship game."

Thus, I give you Lovie Smith's mother's impressions of the Bears 14-9 victory over the San Francisco 49ers:

That Bears game was awesome! Did you see that first half? Oh baby, you didn't?! It was over-stuffed with sweet plays. It all started when Nathan "The Interceptor" Vasher returned a missed field goal 108 yards for a touchdown to end said first half. And then... Well, I guess after that they pretty much kicked the extra point and went to the locker room for halftime.

But it was as intense a half of football as you are going to get in the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE.

Editor's note: I threw that in there so I could mention the meathead color commentators and idiot analysts who say the whole National Football League thing. Like we're supposed to be impressed by these morons for knowing what the acronym NFL stands for, like it adds gravitas to statements like "If you are down by one point and you miss a field goal on the last play of the game and you lose that game based on that missed field goal, you will NOT win a lot of FOOTBALL games in the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE." Back to Lovie's mom:

Let me just say that the second half was even sweeter than the first for my Lovie and his sugar Bears. There was that play where 49ers quarterback Cody Pickett threw his one completion of the day. He went one for 13, but it is something to build on. What a player! Lovie's boys were truly tested by this brash gunslinger.

The running game was also great again. Little Cedric Benson ran for 50 yards before he decided to leave the field on a golf cart so Adrian Peterson could have the spotlight. What's that you say? Benson's leg was bent in half the wrong way by a 320 pound defensive lineman? I don't remember anything that bad happening. Oh well, Lovie will watch the game film and find out what REALLY happened.

And how about that Kyle Orton. He's developing a little more every week. For instance, this week he learned how to go eight for 13 for 50 yards and an interception in gale force winds. That'll come in handy during the Super Bowl. Come again? The Super Bowl's in a dome this season? If you say so, crazy face!

And then when Bobby Wade fumbled his third punt return of the day, just so the Bears defense could come out to prove their awesomeness once again?! Way to be a team player, Bobby Wade! He must've been paying attention to Cedric Benson's golf cart switcharoo.

So when the 49ers had first and goal from the two-yard line, did the Bears D hold? They sure did. That's my Lovie! Always building good defenses. The Bears are 6-1 against teams with losing records this season. That's Mmm, mmm good.

My baby's team is in first place. I'm so proud. And they're not doing it with smoke and mirrors. It's not because of a cream-puff schedule or pathetic division foes. Lovie is the most handsome man in the world. They ought to honor him in some way. I know! It should be the called National Football Lovie. Yeah, the National Football Lovie. That's perfect, just like my baby's Bears.