Duke Sucks

My friend Erin and I always argue about college basketball. More specifically, she went to Duke and is, therefore, wrong every time she opens her mouth. A few days ago we got into it again, this time over e-mail. She said she would never understand people like me, the Duke-haters.

I hate Duke. I loathe Duke. If there is a stronger word than loathe, then I feel that way about Duke.

Anyway, I wrote her back, just stream of consciousness stuff, and what came out is an accurate reflection of why I loathspise Duke (loathe and despise combined, strongest hate ever). Here’s the e-mail I sent:

Because you get every call at home. Because your student body is a bunch of over-privileged white boys taunting black athletes. Because Duke players historically don't do well in the NBA. Because Coach "K" makes that weasel face when he yells at the refs. Because Dick Vitale, Jim Nance and Mike Patrick fawn over your boys with unflinching adoration. Because Bobby Hurley. Because Duke alumni are the most intolerable sports fans in the nation. Because Danny Ferry. Because your students have an organized cheer for EVERY CONCEIVABLE SITUATION during a game. Because Cherokee Parks. Because the name of your school is Duke. Because you flop for charging calls instead of actually playing defense. Because your team has autographed center court. Because all of your can't-hack-it-in-the-NBA guards buy fancy suits to cover their stubby legs and become assistant coaches. Because Steve Wojciechowski. Because of Coach "K's" American Express commercial. Because Christian Laettner.

I just thought of something else. I can honestly say that after Christmas, my favorite day of the year is the day Duke is knocked out of NCAA tournament. Now maybe that’s sad for me, but like Brett Favre throwing an interception, or an old Bulls game showing up on ESPN Classic, seeing Duke lose just makes me all warm and fuzzy inside.