Week 14 Bears Recap: Worst Monday Night Ever
This column is going to offend two people very important to me: my roommates. Guys, I'm sorry. You're still the best.
But what the hell was that?
Monday Night Football. Bears at Rams. Will Rex Grossman come out of his tailspin or wilt in the intensity of a dome crowd and a blood-smelling defense? I was excited for this one.
Until the party started at our place. Guys, again, I still love you. But at last count there were twelve random dudes clogging up the living room, reaching their little Hollywood arms into my TV view to grab pretzels and generally not shutting their mouths.
The night was about Devin Hester and his two incredible kick-off returns book-ending a great Bears victory in which Rex Grossman showed he actually can be a serviceable NFL quarterback.
HESTER'S FIRST KICKOFF RETURN, A 94-YARD TOUCHDOWN
This was the second quarter so I didn't know Whoshisface, Whatshisname and the "We just had a meeting at William Morris" twins well enough to stand up and scream my usual "This is what we do!" as Hester made one cut and immediately erased a 6-0 deficit.
So the guys just kept talking as Hester raced in the endzone and I quietly pumped my fist like a kid worried about waking up drunk daddy.
Apparently the announcers mentioned that Hester had just tied the single season record for touchdown returns. Now, you know me. I would've loved that information
But for me the moment was about listening to Whoshisface and Whatshisname talk about their friend hanging in the Hamptons this summer and other super cool tidbits.
What's that, Whatshisname? You're going to a party tonight to promote diamond-studded sunglasses that cost $30,000? Awesome. I'm so glad you came into my life. Have a great party. Feel free to have some drinks, get behind the wheel and then speed home, Whatshisname. God bless.
HESTER'S SECOND KICKOFF REUTRN, A 96-YARD TOUCHDOWN
This one I actually focused on. Hester's back-breaker.
But the crew had multiplied at halftime and space was tight on the couch. So when I leaped into the air to watch number 23 do his thing, I accidentally hit the go back button on the Tivo remote and the game went back an hour.
Now everyone went off on me. ME!
How dare they? These animals were all reminiscing about the good 'ol days, none of which I was a part of or care about, and I'm getting the blame for an innocent mistake. And trust me, no one was more upset about messing up the live version of Hester's historical return than me.
I'm so sorry to interrupt your really important "who's making what TV pilot" conversation to jump and scream when a Bears rookie is breaking NFL records. I screwed up, okay? Please forgive me. Or not.
I'm never going to see most of you again anyway.
But what the hell was that?
Monday Night Football. Bears at Rams. Will Rex Grossman come out of his tailspin or wilt in the intensity of a dome crowd and a blood-smelling defense? I was excited for this one.
Until the party started at our place. Guys, again, I still love you. But at last count there were twelve random dudes clogging up the living room, reaching their little Hollywood arms into my TV view to grab pretzels and generally not shutting their mouths.
The night was about Devin Hester and his two incredible kick-off returns book-ending a great Bears victory in which Rex Grossman showed he actually can be a serviceable NFL quarterback.
HESTER'S FIRST KICKOFF RETURN, A 94-YARD TOUCHDOWN
This was the second quarter so I didn't know Whoshisface, Whatshisname and the "We just had a meeting at William Morris" twins well enough to stand up and scream my usual "This is what we do!" as Hester made one cut and immediately erased a 6-0 deficit.
So the guys just kept talking as Hester raced in the endzone and I quietly pumped my fist like a kid worried about waking up drunk daddy.
Apparently the announcers mentioned that Hester had just tied the single season record for touchdown returns. Now, you know me. I would've loved that information
But for me the moment was about listening to Whoshisface and Whatshisname talk about their friend hanging in the Hamptons this summer and other super cool tidbits.
What's that, Whatshisname? You're going to a party tonight to promote diamond-studded sunglasses that cost $30,000? Awesome. I'm so glad you came into my life. Have a great party. Feel free to have some drinks, get behind the wheel and then speed home, Whatshisname. God bless.
HESTER'S SECOND KICKOFF REUTRN, A 96-YARD TOUCHDOWN
This one I actually focused on. Hester's back-breaker.
But the crew had multiplied at halftime and space was tight on the couch. So when I leaped into the air to watch number 23 do his thing, I accidentally hit the go back button on the Tivo remote and the game went back an hour.
Now everyone went off on me. ME!
How dare they? These animals were all reminiscing about the good 'ol days, none of which I was a part of or care about, and I'm getting the blame for an innocent mistake. And trust me, no one was more upset about messing up the live version of Hester's historical return than me.
I'm so sorry to interrupt your really important "who's making what TV pilot" conversation to jump and scream when a Bears rookie is breaking NFL records. I screwed up, okay? Please forgive me. Or not.
I'm never going to see most of you again anyway.
posted by David Stassen at 9:52 PM
