Soggy Nachos and Bud Light, But Mostly Gas
I received some e-mails concerning the whole “not crying if the Panthers team plane crashes” comment from Sunday night and I just want to set the record straight: I meant Carolina no harm. They whooped us good. They were the better team. I’m just a sore loser.
But I’m also a sore winner so my joy in a Bears victory would’ve been fleeting, as I would’ve soon been praying for a monsoon to wash away the city of Seattle. But all the e-mails had me wondering, “Sports Jerk, have you gone too far? Is your hatred for all things not Chicago as bottomless as the Bears defense is wretched?”
Probably, yes. Even the 2005 Bears Playoff towel my boss brought me from the game offered no solace. I can barely look at the thing.
So I wrote a few test columns in which I hurled insults at Jake Delhomme, Steve Smith, God and anyone else who mocked the Bears on Sunday. And it felt good I must admit.
But this is too important a time in the history of the Bears franchise not to stop and take stock of where we are, what we have, and what we need to do. I’m a big fan of self-reflection.
I will break down these categories based on the three elements which accompanied my viewing of Sunday’s slaughtering:
SOGGY NACHOS
I tried to make nachos on Sunday. I cooked onions, green peppers and black beans. I combined salsas, sliced chicken and double-layered. It was too much. It came out like wet Mexican lasagna. These are the players who under performed and the moments that disappointed:
Charles Tillman. I’m sorry, but we have to start with number 33. All season he’s been the one giving up big plays and the playoff loss only magnified this fact. The second play from scrimmage was a swift kick to the gonads. When the Panthers went up 7-0 48 seconds into the game you had to have dementia NOT to be thinking about the face-punching we took in the 2001 playoffs to the more experienced Philadelphia Eagles.
The Bears safeties. Where were they all day? That’s right, they were watching Steve Smith’s huge behind mosey on into the end zone. Charles Tillman got the first Soggy Nacho, but only because he was given absolutely no safety help behind him. The one time Chris Harris came over, he knocked Tillman off the ball and Smith came out of the pile with a 45-yard catch. That’ll be five orders of Soggy Nachos for the Bears safeties, please.
Lovie Smith. All season I loved the coolness with which Coach Smith ruled the sideline, but how about a little fire now and then? Get in the defense’s collective face in the second half when the Bears offense is actually getting us back in the game and all we need is a stop. Lovie, this Soggy Nacho’s for you.
Ron Rivera. The Bears defensive coordinator was a trendy choice for a few NFL coaching jobs in the weeks leading up to Sunday. Um, might want to rethink that, St. Louis. While Lovie claimed after the game the strategy was to always keep a safety behind Smith, serious adjustments were clearly necessary. Why was Chris Thompson, a second year cornerback from McNichols State, covering Steve Smith by himself in the fourth quarter? I know injuries hurt the Bears on Sunday, but that’s EXACTLY when you have to adjust! Here Ron, try and see if you and Mike Green can double-team this plate of immobile Soggy Nachos.
The offensive play calling. Everyone in the world knew the Bears were going to throw a bomb to Muhsin Muhammad on the first offensive play of the game. It’s the Ron Turner trademark. So of course we do it and then proceeded to throw on second and third down of our first drive! Good idea. We got to the playoffs with our running game and a different quarterback and so what if Thomas Jones is averaging over four yards per carry all season? Let’s give Rex Grossman, who was starting his second game of the year, 41 passing attempts and make him win the game with a wide receiver core Northwestern wouldn’t give scholarships to. Soggy Nachos all around.
BUD LIGHTS
I drank a few beers on Sunday. These were ice cold, mellow-you-out-on-Sunday beers, a contributor sorely needed on such a stressful day. These are the solid performers:
Brian Urlacher. You gotta start here. Sick interception, seven tackles, pretty solid overall. This guy didn’t run his mouth leading up to the game. He just showed up and played. Urlacher gets a Bud Light.
Rex Grossman. Sure, he started off three for 14 in passing but once those jitters wore off he was generally solid and if his wide receivers ever made a sharp cut, they might be halfway open. Rex gets a Light, not an ice cold one, but pretty chilled. He’ll get some cold ones next year.
Tommie Harris. Seemingly the only defensive lineman who was NOT talking trash before the game. Tommie had his usual steady game and even caught Steve Smith from behind on a reverse. Harris is a pro bowler for years to come. We can build on that.
That’s it. I told you, I only had a few Bud Lights.
GAS
There was plenty of this going around Sunday night. Just ask my girlfriend. But it was nowhere near the amount expelled by the Bears before, during, and after Sunday’s debacle:
Pre-game talk. Lose it. 99 percent of the time it comes back to bite you in the rear. That’s science, people. While Alex Brown and Adewale Ogunleye were feeling under appreciated and letting the country know about it, a veteran Carolina team merely smiled and nodded their heads. The Bears sounded tough. The Panthers looked tough. Get that gas outta here.
Standing pat. All the talk after the game is that this Bears team is close and doesn’t need too much to get to the next level. We do have 21 out of 22 starters signed through next year, but let’s not let that stop us from improving in the off-season. Offensive playmakers, help in the secondary, and another solid linebacker are not luxuries at this point. They are holes the Bears must fill. Standing pat is for suckers and it gets the gas face.
Those white towels all the fans at Soldier Field were waving. As Homer Simpson said, “That’s not America. That’s not even Mexico.” Waving little homerun hankies and touchdown towelettes is bush league, Sun Belt junk. Fans in “Phoenix” and “Tampa Bay” need to be told when and how to cheer. Bears fans instinctually bark like junkyard dogs and clap their swollen sausage fingers under big, out of style mittens.
Despite the prevailing negativity of the preceding 1000 words, it was a great season. An eight game winning streak, division champs, and a rookie quarterback with more facial hair than Teenwolf. Hey, I even got to write about the Bears in the playoffs. I think we all expected a 4-12 season when Sexy Rexy went down way back in August. But look at us now: all grown up, disappointed in only making the playoffs, and talking about building a Super Bowl contender next year.
I was planning on going to Detroit in February if the Bears made it to the Super Bowl. But it looks like I’ll have to wait until Miami and 2007. That’s okay. The sun should be better for my disposition.
But I’m also a sore winner so my joy in a Bears victory would’ve been fleeting, as I would’ve soon been praying for a monsoon to wash away the city of Seattle. But all the e-mails had me wondering, “Sports Jerk, have you gone too far? Is your hatred for all things not Chicago as bottomless as the Bears defense is wretched?”
Probably, yes. Even the 2005 Bears Playoff towel my boss brought me from the game offered no solace. I can barely look at the thing.
So I wrote a few test columns in which I hurled insults at Jake Delhomme, Steve Smith, God and anyone else who mocked the Bears on Sunday. And it felt good I must admit.
But this is too important a time in the history of the Bears franchise not to stop and take stock of where we are, what we have, and what we need to do. I’m a big fan of self-reflection.
I will break down these categories based on the three elements which accompanied my viewing of Sunday’s slaughtering:
SOGGY NACHOS
I tried to make nachos on Sunday. I cooked onions, green peppers and black beans. I combined salsas, sliced chicken and double-layered. It was too much. It came out like wet Mexican lasagna. These are the players who under performed and the moments that disappointed:
Charles Tillman. I’m sorry, but we have to start with number 33. All season he’s been the one giving up big plays and the playoff loss only magnified this fact. The second play from scrimmage was a swift kick to the gonads. When the Panthers went up 7-0 48 seconds into the game you had to have dementia NOT to be thinking about the face-punching we took in the 2001 playoffs to the more experienced Philadelphia Eagles.
The Bears safeties. Where were they all day? That’s right, they were watching Steve Smith’s huge behind mosey on into the end zone. Charles Tillman got the first Soggy Nacho, but only because he was given absolutely no safety help behind him. The one time Chris Harris came over, he knocked Tillman off the ball and Smith came out of the pile with a 45-yard catch. That’ll be five orders of Soggy Nachos for the Bears safeties, please.
Lovie Smith. All season I loved the coolness with which Coach Smith ruled the sideline, but how about a little fire now and then? Get in the defense’s collective face in the second half when the Bears offense is actually getting us back in the game and all we need is a stop. Lovie, this Soggy Nacho’s for you.
Ron Rivera. The Bears defensive coordinator was a trendy choice for a few NFL coaching jobs in the weeks leading up to Sunday. Um, might want to rethink that, St. Louis. While Lovie claimed after the game the strategy was to always keep a safety behind Smith, serious adjustments were clearly necessary. Why was Chris Thompson, a second year cornerback from McNichols State, covering Steve Smith by himself in the fourth quarter? I know injuries hurt the Bears on Sunday, but that’s EXACTLY when you have to adjust! Here Ron, try and see if you and Mike Green can double-team this plate of immobile Soggy Nachos.
The offensive play calling. Everyone in the world knew the Bears were going to throw a bomb to Muhsin Muhammad on the first offensive play of the game. It’s the Ron Turner trademark. So of course we do it and then proceeded to throw on second and third down of our first drive! Good idea. We got to the playoffs with our running game and a different quarterback and so what if Thomas Jones is averaging over four yards per carry all season? Let’s give Rex Grossman, who was starting his second game of the year, 41 passing attempts and make him win the game with a wide receiver core Northwestern wouldn’t give scholarships to. Soggy Nachos all around.
BUD LIGHTS
I drank a few beers on Sunday. These were ice cold, mellow-you-out-on-Sunday beers, a contributor sorely needed on such a stressful day. These are the solid performers:
Brian Urlacher. You gotta start here. Sick interception, seven tackles, pretty solid overall. This guy didn’t run his mouth leading up to the game. He just showed up and played. Urlacher gets a Bud Light.
Rex Grossman. Sure, he started off three for 14 in passing but once those jitters wore off he was generally solid and if his wide receivers ever made a sharp cut, they might be halfway open. Rex gets a Light, not an ice cold one, but pretty chilled. He’ll get some cold ones next year.
Tommie Harris. Seemingly the only defensive lineman who was NOT talking trash before the game. Tommie had his usual steady game and even caught Steve Smith from behind on a reverse. Harris is a pro bowler for years to come. We can build on that.
That’s it. I told you, I only had a few Bud Lights.
GAS
There was plenty of this going around Sunday night. Just ask my girlfriend. But it was nowhere near the amount expelled by the Bears before, during, and after Sunday’s debacle:
Pre-game talk. Lose it. 99 percent of the time it comes back to bite you in the rear. That’s science, people. While Alex Brown and Adewale Ogunleye were feeling under appreciated and letting the country know about it, a veteran Carolina team merely smiled and nodded their heads. The Bears sounded tough. The Panthers looked tough. Get that gas outta here.
Standing pat. All the talk after the game is that this Bears team is close and doesn’t need too much to get to the next level. We do have 21 out of 22 starters signed through next year, but let’s not let that stop us from improving in the off-season. Offensive playmakers, help in the secondary, and another solid linebacker are not luxuries at this point. They are holes the Bears must fill. Standing pat is for suckers and it gets the gas face.
Those white towels all the fans at Soldier Field were waving. As Homer Simpson said, “That’s not America. That’s not even Mexico.” Waving little homerun hankies and touchdown towelettes is bush league, Sun Belt junk. Fans in “Phoenix” and “Tampa Bay” need to be told when and how to cheer. Bears fans instinctually bark like junkyard dogs and clap their swollen sausage fingers under big, out of style mittens.
Despite the prevailing negativity of the preceding 1000 words, it was a great season. An eight game winning streak, division champs, and a rookie quarterback with more facial hair than Teenwolf. Hey, I even got to write about the Bears in the playoffs. I think we all expected a 4-12 season when Sexy Rexy went down way back in August. But look at us now: all grown up, disappointed in only making the playoffs, and talking about building a Super Bowl contender next year.
I was planning on going to Detroit in February if the Bears made it to the Super Bowl. But it looks like I’ll have to wait until Miami and 2007. That’s okay. The sun should be better for my disposition.
posted by David Stassen at 4:30 PM
