Week 4 Bears Recap: Remain Calm
I can't keep an entire nation of Bears fans from getting in their Winnebago’s right now and taking off for Miami and Super Bowl XLI, but at least I can keep myself sane. Every time I've heard a sportscaster or casual fan say something positive about the Bears following their 37-6 shellacking of the defending NFC champion Seattle Seahawks, I've found myself knocking on wood. My superstition is bordering on obsessive-compulsive disorder. So I've come with a few things I can think about to keep from going all Howard Hughes up in this piece.
THINGS TO REMEMBER WHEN I GET TOO COCKY ABOUT THE BEARS:
1. 6-10 (the combined record of the Bears' opponents so far this season).
2. Charles Tillman is a starting cornerback.
3. 3.0 (Bears' yards per rush average).
4. Devin Hester dropping punts.
5. Rex Grossman still loves to back peddle.
6. Mike Singletary works for another team.
7. Kicker Robbie Gould is perfect on the season. He can only get worse.
8. Bandwagon fans coming out of the woodwork to jinx us.
9. Tommie Harris being hailed as NFL Defensive Player of Year after four weeks.
10. Everything has gone right so far. It can only get worse.
11. The new Soldier Field doesn't have enough bathrooms.
12. With no playoff baseball in Chicago, there isn't a lot to talk about besides the September greatness of the Bears.
13. Steve Bartman could ask Rex Grossman for his autograph and accidentally stab him in the eye.
14. At some point this fall, Hillary Clinton will don a Bears hat and/or jersey.
15. The national media (comprised of idiot ex-jocks) starting to believe.
16. Chicagoan-turned-Hollywood celeb with a series on Fox showing up at Soldier Field in January.
17. Cedric Benson's impossible-to-gauge attitude
18. My mom heard Rex Grossman waxes his eyebrows.
19. The food at Soldier Field is worse than ever (that's actually a good thing. Keeps the fans irritable).
20. Sexy Rexy is not an acceptable nickname for a Bear.
21. Peyton Manning is still playing.
22. More importantly, so is Tom Brady.
23. Michael Jordan isn't on the team.
24. Jim McMahon was in my dream last night. That's not another reason. I just thought of it.
25. Three straight road games in November (Patriots, Giants, Jets).
26. We have a rookie starting at safety.
27. The last time we started off 4-0, we ended up 6-10 (1991).
28. Direct flights from LA to Miami are $700.
29. And I refuse to connect through Tampa Bay
30. Lovie Smith and Danieal Manning have girl names
31. Chris Collinsworth picked us to go to the Super Bowl.
32. The Bears are a passing team?
33. We're angering the football Gods by mentioning '85.
34. W.W.W.D.? (What Would Walter Do? He'd remain calm).
THINGS TO REMEMBER WHEN I GET TOO COCKY ABOUT THE BEARS:
1. 6-10 (the combined record of the Bears' opponents so far this season).
2. Charles Tillman is a starting cornerback.
3. 3.0 (Bears' yards per rush average).
4. Devin Hester dropping punts.
5. Rex Grossman still loves to back peddle.
6. Mike Singletary works for another team.
7. Kicker Robbie Gould is perfect on the season. He can only get worse.
8. Bandwagon fans coming out of the woodwork to jinx us.
9. Tommie Harris being hailed as NFL Defensive Player of Year after four weeks.
10. Everything has gone right so far. It can only get worse.
11. The new Soldier Field doesn't have enough bathrooms.
12. With no playoff baseball in Chicago, there isn't a lot to talk about besides the September greatness of the Bears.
13. Steve Bartman could ask Rex Grossman for his autograph and accidentally stab him in the eye.
14. At some point this fall, Hillary Clinton will don a Bears hat and/or jersey.
15. The national media (comprised of idiot ex-jocks) starting to believe.
16. Chicagoan-turned-Hollywood celeb with a series on Fox showing up at Soldier Field in January.
17. Cedric Benson's impossible-to-gauge attitude
18. My mom heard Rex Grossman waxes his eyebrows.
19. The food at Soldier Field is worse than ever (that's actually a good thing. Keeps the fans irritable).
20. Sexy Rexy is not an acceptable nickname for a Bear.
21. Peyton Manning is still playing.
22. More importantly, so is Tom Brady.
23. Michael Jordan isn't on the team.
24. Jim McMahon was in my dream last night. That's not another reason. I just thought of it.
25. Three straight road games in November (Patriots, Giants, Jets).
26. We have a rookie starting at safety.
27. The last time we started off 4-0, we ended up 6-10 (1991).
28. Direct flights from LA to Miami are $700.
29. And I refuse to connect through Tampa Bay
30. Lovie Smith and Danieal Manning have girl names
31. Chris Collinsworth picked us to go to the Super Bowl.
32. The Bears are a passing team?
33. We're angering the football Gods by mentioning '85.
34. W.W.W.D.? (What Would Walter Do? He'd remain calm).
posted by David Stassen at 9:43 AM
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