Week 2 NFL Picks: Stick With Me

I am gold. I am f-ing gold. 10-6. I hope you bet the farm with me last week because right now you'd be buying the farm next door to your current farm. Let's keep it going...

MINNESOTA +2.5 over Carolina
As much as it pains me to pick a rival NFC North team, I gotta go with the home dog. Carolina's run D looked SHAKY against Atlanta and Steve Smith does not seem ready to go just yet. Plus, the people in Minnesota have nothing else to live for. NOTHING!!!

Buffalo +7.5 over MIAMI
Not going against the dog Bills on the road two weeks in a row. For one, they are a legitimate sleeper this season and two, Daunte Culpepper was woefully inaccurate in Pittsburgh on opening night. Plus, Dick Jauron is running the show in Buffalo now and you gotta root for Captain Vanilla after his tenure in Chicago.

Giants +3.5 over PHILADELPHIA
I'm not saying the Giants win, but this is a field goal game. Excuse me while I lock this game in at 3.5 right now...There, all better.

GREEN BAY +2.5 over New Orleans
I'm pretty excited about this one. This will be the test. What does Favre have left in the tank? Last year, in a similar situation, the Pack beat the Saints 52-3 and everyone breathed a sigh of relief. "Oh, thank God. All is right in the world. The glorious Packers are still a good team. Oh, Brett Favre, you're so dreamy!" Whatever. I'll take 'em as home dogs, but screw Green Bay.

Houston +13.5 over INDIANAPOLIS
This is me getting cocky. 10-6 last week and I think I'm one of those Greek mythological chicks sharing the eyeball. But the Colts never blow the Texans out in Indy. I think Peyton spends the week before the Houston game doing amateur stand-up spots at the Ha-Ha Hole in downtown Indy.

CHICAGO +8.5 over Detroit.
The Lions score two field goals at home last week and wide receiver Roy Williams announces there is no one in the league who can stop them and guarantees victory against the Bears. Oh boy. Getting angry. Must...move...on...

CINCINNATI -10.5 over Cleveland
The poor Browns. They've stunk for years and never get a cool draft pick like Reggie Bush or Eli Manning. They get dudes like Courtney Brown. Who? Exactly. Sorry, Packham.

ATLANTA -5.5 over Tampa Bay
Falcons defense looked good last week, boy. Golden child Chris Simms in the dome gonna be t-r-o-u-b-l-e.

BALTIMORE -11.5 over Oakland
UNCLE DAVE'S STINK-FREE DIAPER PICK OF THE WEEK
I actually watched Illinois lose to Rutgers last Saturday (30-0) and I thought that was the worst-coached team ever. Until Monday. Raiders coach Art Shell, um, there's only so much you can say. Let's just leave it at they stink.

Arizona +6.5 over Seattle
Let's get one thing clear: I am NOT on the Cardinals sleeper bandwagon. First of all, they're not a sleeper. They have a former MVP at quarterback and maybe the most efficient running back in the past seven years in the backfield. But I happen to actively dislike the Seahawks. Think about it. Last year they dominated their crappy division, should've lost at home to the Giants if Jay Feely doesn't miss 17 field goals down the stretch and beat a completely injury-decimated Panthers team to get to the Super Bowl. Oh, and in the off-season they lose the league's best offensive lineman. The Cardinals at least keep it close.

St. Louis -3.5 over SAN FRANCISCO
Rams beat up a pretty good Denver team last week. Niners hung in there at Arizona last week but they still stink. Steven Jackson goes crazy this week.

Tennessee +11.5 over SAN DIEGO
Isn't Philip Rivers not being allowed to pass all season going to be a problem for the Chargers? Sure, they looked great against the JV Raiders on Monday night, but once teams start bringing 9 men fronts against LT, Marty's gonna have to let the kid throw. Titans are a well-coached team and might lose two in a row, but not in a blow-out.

New England -5.5 over NEW YORK JETS
Pupil versus teacher. New Jets coach Mike Mangini (too easy to make fun of that name) versus pregnant-chick-in-the-sweatshirt Bill Bilichick. Bilichick doesn't lose these games.

DENVER -10.5 over Kansas City
Tough start for Big Worm Edwards. Trent Green goes down and then has to face an angry Mike Shanahan team in Mile High (the city, not the stadium). I bet Shanahan can be a nasty little bastard when he's pissed. Broncos churn out +200 yards on the ground.

DALLAS -5.5 over Washington
Lipstick on a pig. That's what the Skins did to their offense in the off-season. Mark Brunell stinks. If Santana Moss can't get under his deep ball, they can't pass. Cowboys remember getting burned on Monday night last season and it won't happen again. By the way, Tom Cruise watching football at FedEx Field, hilarious. He couldn't wait for those dirty boys to hit the showers. Woo! Yeah!

JACKSONVILLE -0.5 over Pittsburgh
A real toss-up to end the week. When is comes down to it, Charlie Batch IS a back-up QB and that's why I'm taking the Jags.

Last week: 10-6
Stink-Free Diapers: 0-2
Season: 10-6

Enjoy.

Week 1 Bears Recap: Comfort Food

It was a great way to start the season, right? The most satisfying season opener I can remember in years. Of course, dread immediately replaced euphoria. It can only be downhill from here. The football gods will never let us be this successful all season. Maybe ’85 is as good as it gets.

Yes, the pessimism is strong within me. But it’s a long season and we need to break out of this fact-free negative thinking. The Bears looked good. Rex Grossman was ridiculously accurate, our rookies stepped up with a touchdown (Devin Hester), a pick (Danieal Manning) and a sack (Mark Anderson), and the defense pitched a shutout.

I went to my friend Andrew’s house for the game and let me tell you, this bastard loves his food. He had a nice little spread going all day and when I thought about it afterwards, I realized all of the food could represent portions of the Bears 26-0 victory over the scum known as the Green Bay Packers.

New School:

Andrew grilled up some buffalo burgers right before kick-off. I didn’t know this, but apparently buffalo meat is a lot leaner than regular cow meat. I suppose it did taste a little different but after smothering the thing in ketchup, horseradish mustard and grilled onions and mushrooms I couldn’t tell what large murdered Prairie beast I was inhaling.

Anyway, witness the lean and mean 2006 Bears offense. Muhsin Muhammed (6 catches, 102 yards) had said before the game he lost 10-15 pounds in the off-season and never felt more explosive (My buddy Traeger made reference to this fact 10-15 times during the game so I am obliged to mention him). And Moose looked good. Fast off the line of scrimmage, wide open with sharp routes and some badass hands that grabbed everything thrown his way.

The same goes for tight end Desmond Clark who trimmed down in the off-season to be more of an offensive weapon. Clark had 5 catches for 77 yards. Yeah, that’s right. A Bears tight end not named Ditka (toast whatever you’re drinking) had a big offensive day.

Lean and mean. The new Bears offense. Kinda like what coach Lovie Smith has always preached on the other side of the ball.

Old School:

Just so everyone doesn’t make a big stink about me eating “less fattening” buffalo burgers and turning all California, we also had some spicy Italian sausages. That’s an old school jam, people.

What was old school about the Bears on Sunday? It’s pretty obvious, isn’t it? The shutout. The turnovers. Our defense tossing Brett Favre around like a Green Bay wife after another Packers loss. At least for one day, the Bears D played like it did all of last season and kept our expectations high for the future.

The Tasty Sides:

Burgers and sausages are great, but you definitely need a little finger food to tide you over in between bites of grilled flesh.

The rookies making plays were like the delicious bags of Kettle Chips Andrew provided for our enjoyment (New York Cheddar and some new flavor with like goat cheese or something).

And Brett Favre running off the field and down that dark tunnel before the game ended was delicious. Delicious like the sauerkraut we piled high on the Italian sausages.

Seriously, Favre is so terrible and ashamed of himself he wouldn’t even stick around so the opposing team could come up and kiss his butt like he did after all 12 losses last season.

Everyone says what is happening to Favre is so sad. Every commentator in America must have had a high school crush on Brett because his free pass knows no bounds. Running off the field before the game ended? Randy Moss did that a few years ago with the Vikings and I think Terry Bradshaw and Howie Long tried to press charges.

Anyway, screw Favre. It’s his time to suffer. This guy ruined the 90’s for every Bears fan out there. I refuse to feel guilty about payback. I hope we reduce him to tears at Soldier Field in December.

The Wildcard:

Beer. You never know what’s going to happen when you crack open a few cold ones. The same can be said for rookie punt returner Devin Hester. This guy can take it to the house anytime the opposing team is stupid enough to kick at him. He almost took two back in preseason and I didn’t even see most of the preseason games. Hester: four punt return tuddy’s this season. Minimum.

This Sunday: home against Detroit. I’m headed to a purported Bears bar in Burbank. I checked out the menu online and it looks promising. Buffalo chicken strips and fifty-cent beers when ever the Bears score a touchdown should compliment another divisional drubbing quite nicely.