Week 2 NFL Picks: Stick With Me
I am gold. I am f-ing gold. 10-6. I hope you bet the farm with me last week because right now you'd be buying the farm next door to your current farm. Let's keep it going...
MINNESOTA +2.5 over Carolina
As much as it pains me to pick a rival NFC North team, I gotta go with the home dog. Carolina's run D looked SHAKY against Atlanta and Steve Smith does not seem ready to go just yet. Plus, the people in Minnesota have nothing else to live for. NOTHING!!!
Buffalo +7.5 over MIAMI
Not going against the dog Bills on the road two weeks in a row. For one, they are a legitimate sleeper this season and two, Daunte Culpepper was woefully inaccurate in Pittsburgh on opening night. Plus, Dick Jauron is running the show in Buffalo now and you gotta root for Captain Vanilla after his tenure in Chicago.
Giants +3.5 over PHILADELPHIA
I'm not saying the Giants win, but this is a field goal game. Excuse me while I lock this game in at 3.5 right now...There, all better.
GREEN BAY +2.5 over New Orleans
I'm pretty excited about this one. This will be the test. What does Favre have left in the tank? Last year, in a similar situation, the Pack beat the Saints 52-3 and everyone breathed a sigh of relief. "Oh, thank God. All is right in the world. The glorious Packers are still a good team. Oh, Brett Favre, you're so dreamy!" Whatever. I'll take 'em as home dogs, but screw Green Bay.
Houston +13.5 over INDIANAPOLIS
This is me getting cocky. 10-6 last week and I think I'm one of those Greek mythological chicks sharing the eyeball. But the Colts never blow the Texans out in Indy. I think Peyton spends the week before the Houston game doing amateur stand-up spots at the Ha-Ha Hole in downtown Indy.
CHICAGO +8.5 over Detroit.
The Lions score two field goals at home last week and wide receiver Roy Williams announces there is no one in the league who can stop them and guarantees victory against the Bears. Oh boy. Getting angry. Must...move...on...
CINCINNATI -10.5 over Cleveland
The poor Browns. They've stunk for years and never get a cool draft pick like Reggie Bush or Eli Manning. They get dudes like Courtney Brown. Who? Exactly. Sorry, Packham.
ATLANTA -5.5 over Tampa Bay
Falcons defense looked good last week, boy. Golden child Chris Simms in the dome gonna be t-r-o-u-b-l-e.
BALTIMORE -11.5 over Oakland
UNCLE DAVE'S STINK-FREE DIAPER PICK OF THE WEEK
I actually watched Illinois lose to Rutgers last Saturday (30-0) and I thought that was the worst-coached team ever. Until Monday. Raiders coach Art Shell, um, there's only so much you can say. Let's just leave it at they stink.
Arizona +6.5 over Seattle
Let's get one thing clear: I am NOT on the Cardinals sleeper bandwagon. First of all, they're not a sleeper. They have a former MVP at quarterback and maybe the most efficient running back in the past seven years in the backfield. But I happen to actively dislike the Seahawks. Think about it. Last year they dominated their crappy division, should've lost at home to the Giants if Jay Feely doesn't miss 17 field goals down the stretch and beat a completely injury-decimated Panthers team to get to the Super Bowl. Oh, and in the off-season they lose the league's best offensive lineman. The Cardinals at least keep it close.
St. Louis -3.5 over SAN FRANCISCO
Rams beat up a pretty good Denver team last week. Niners hung in there at Arizona last week but they still stink. Steven Jackson goes crazy this week.
Tennessee +11.5 over SAN DIEGO
Isn't Philip Rivers not being allowed to pass all season going to be a problem for the Chargers? Sure, they looked great against the JV Raiders on Monday night, but once teams start bringing 9 men fronts against LT, Marty's gonna have to let the kid throw. Titans are a well-coached team and might lose two in a row, but not in a blow-out.
New England -5.5 over NEW YORK JETS
Pupil versus teacher. New Jets coach Mike Mangini (too easy to make fun of that name) versus pregnant-chick-in-the-sweatshirt Bill Bilichick. Bilichick doesn't lose these games.
DENVER -10.5 over Kansas City
Tough start for Big Worm Edwards. Trent Green goes down and then has to face an angry Mike Shanahan team in Mile High (the city, not the stadium). I bet Shanahan can be a nasty little bastard when he's pissed. Broncos churn out +200 yards on the ground.
DALLAS -5.5 over Washington
Lipstick on a pig. That's what the Skins did to their offense in the off-season. Mark Brunell stinks. If Santana Moss can't get under his deep ball, they can't pass. Cowboys remember getting burned on Monday night last season and it won't happen again. By the way, Tom Cruise watching football at FedEx Field, hilarious. He couldn't wait for those dirty boys to hit the showers. Woo! Yeah!
JACKSONVILLE -0.5 over Pittsburgh
A real toss-up to end the week. When is comes down to it, Charlie Batch IS a back-up QB and that's why I'm taking the Jags.
Last week: 10-6
Stink-Free Diapers: 0-2
Season: 10-6
Enjoy.
MINNESOTA +2.5 over Carolina
As much as it pains me to pick a rival NFC North team, I gotta go with the home dog. Carolina's run D looked SHAKY against Atlanta and Steve Smith does not seem ready to go just yet. Plus, the people in Minnesota have nothing else to live for. NOTHING!!!
Buffalo +7.5 over MIAMI
Not going against the dog Bills on the road two weeks in a row. For one, they are a legitimate sleeper this season and two, Daunte Culpepper was woefully inaccurate in Pittsburgh on opening night. Plus, Dick Jauron is running the show in Buffalo now and you gotta root for Captain Vanilla after his tenure in Chicago.
Giants +3.5 over PHILADELPHIA
I'm not saying the Giants win, but this is a field goal game. Excuse me while I lock this game in at 3.5 right now...There, all better.
GREEN BAY +2.5 over New Orleans
I'm pretty excited about this one. This will be the test. What does Favre have left in the tank? Last year, in a similar situation, the Pack beat the Saints 52-3 and everyone breathed a sigh of relief. "Oh, thank God. All is right in the world. The glorious Packers are still a good team. Oh, Brett Favre, you're so dreamy!" Whatever. I'll take 'em as home dogs, but screw Green Bay.
Houston +13.5 over INDIANAPOLIS
This is me getting cocky. 10-6 last week and I think I'm one of those Greek mythological chicks sharing the eyeball. But the Colts never blow the Texans out in Indy. I think Peyton spends the week before the Houston game doing amateur stand-up spots at the Ha-Ha Hole in downtown Indy.
CHICAGO +8.5 over Detroit.
The Lions score two field goals at home last week and wide receiver Roy Williams announces there is no one in the league who can stop them and guarantees victory against the Bears. Oh boy. Getting angry. Must...move...on...
CINCINNATI -10.5 over Cleveland
The poor Browns. They've stunk for years and never get a cool draft pick like Reggie Bush or Eli Manning. They get dudes like Courtney Brown. Who? Exactly. Sorry, Packham.
ATLANTA -5.5 over Tampa Bay
Falcons defense looked good last week, boy. Golden child Chris Simms in the dome gonna be t-r-o-u-b-l-e.
BALTIMORE -11.5 over Oakland
UNCLE DAVE'S STINK-FREE DIAPER PICK OF THE WEEK
I actually watched Illinois lose to Rutgers last Saturday (30-0) and I thought that was the worst-coached team ever. Until Monday. Raiders coach Art Shell, um, there's only so much you can say. Let's just leave it at they stink.
Arizona +6.5 over Seattle
Let's get one thing clear: I am NOT on the Cardinals sleeper bandwagon. First of all, they're not a sleeper. They have a former MVP at quarterback and maybe the most efficient running back in the past seven years in the backfield. But I happen to actively dislike the Seahawks. Think about it. Last year they dominated their crappy division, should've lost at home to the Giants if Jay Feely doesn't miss 17 field goals down the stretch and beat a completely injury-decimated Panthers team to get to the Super Bowl. Oh, and in the off-season they lose the league's best offensive lineman. The Cardinals at least keep it close.
St. Louis -3.5 over SAN FRANCISCO
Rams beat up a pretty good Denver team last week. Niners hung in there at Arizona last week but they still stink. Steven Jackson goes crazy this week.
Tennessee +11.5 over SAN DIEGO
Isn't Philip Rivers not being allowed to pass all season going to be a problem for the Chargers? Sure, they looked great against the JV Raiders on Monday night, but once teams start bringing 9 men fronts against LT, Marty's gonna have to let the kid throw. Titans are a well-coached team and might lose two in a row, but not in a blow-out.
New England -5.5 over NEW YORK JETS
Pupil versus teacher. New Jets coach Mike Mangini (too easy to make fun of that name) versus pregnant-chick-in-the-sweatshirt Bill Bilichick. Bilichick doesn't lose these games.
DENVER -10.5 over Kansas City
Tough start for Big Worm Edwards. Trent Green goes down and then has to face an angry Mike Shanahan team in Mile High (the city, not the stadium). I bet Shanahan can be a nasty little bastard when he's pissed. Broncos churn out +200 yards on the ground.
DALLAS -5.5 over Washington
Lipstick on a pig. That's what the Skins did to their offense in the off-season. Mark Brunell stinks. If Santana Moss can't get under his deep ball, they can't pass. Cowboys remember getting burned on Monday night last season and it won't happen again. By the way, Tom Cruise watching football at FedEx Field, hilarious. He couldn't wait for those dirty boys to hit the showers. Woo! Yeah!
JACKSONVILLE -0.5 over Pittsburgh
A real toss-up to end the week. When is comes down to it, Charlie Batch IS a back-up QB and that's why I'm taking the Jags.
Last week: 10-6
Stink-Free Diapers: 0-2
Season: 10-6
Enjoy.
posted by David Stassen at 11:15 PM
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