Week 5 Bears Recap: Serenity Now
There’s that episode of “Seinfeld” where George’s father, Frank Costanza, screams out “Serenity now!” every time his blood pressure is about to rise. For years, I had no such outlet during those dark Bear seasons. Chad Hutchinson, Craig Krenzel, Moses Moreno and Rashaan Salaam all had the ability to make me grit my teeth, turn bright red and rip the mini basketball hoop off the living room wall.
Things are different now. Chicago’s confidence appears to be at an all-time high. And for good reason. Sunday was like a walk in the park…a park of slaughtered buffalo, like that scene in “Dances With Wolves”. Great scene.
The Bears beat the Buffalo Bills 40-7 in a game that was never as close as the final score. A terrible roughing the passer call is the only reason Buffalo got close enough to get their one pathetic touchdown.
And that didn’t even get me fired up. I knew the game was safely in hand. Serenity now? Victory now is more like it. Frank Costanza could’ve used the 2006 Chicago Bears as his blood pressure medication
Let’s just see how the Bears and the greatest sitcom of all time match up (humor me. It’s a long season):
KRAMER
The defense. Just like Michael Richards during a good physical take, you can’t stop this crew. Tommy Harris, Lance Briggs and Brian Urlacher fly around the field like Kramer with his hair on fire. Our secondary is as hard for a quarterback to predict as Kramer’s limbs during a good back scratch (good luck, Matt Leinhart).
ELAINE
The offense. The real beauty on the team. Just as Elaine was one of TVs underrated lookers, Rex Grossman and company have come out of virtual obscurity and are just starting to earn national respect. Elaine’s got the hardened exterior of the Bears solid running game and the soft touch of our breezy passing attack.
GEORGE
Our opponents. Hapless, pathetic, truly comical. These little guys really crack me up. Did George ever get the girl or keep the job? Do these teams ever hold onto the ball or cover Bernard Berrian. Maybe Jason Alexander can get a motivational speaker gig talking to upcoming Bears opponents. He’s probably free. They could use the help, or at least a good laugh.
JERRY
Lovie Smith. Not the most animated guy in the world and not likely to crack anyone up with his straight guy act, but Lovie gets it done. He keeps all of the most valuable parts working together like a conductor pimp-slapping a world famous orchestra
And last but not least, the supporting cast:
NEWMAN
Bears special teams. Amazing (Robbie Gould’s perfect season so far), yet dangerous (Devin Hester dropping punts).
JERRY’S PARENTS
Ditka and Papa Bear Halas. When we met Jerry’s mom and dad, we understood more of who he was. With the Bears, the two coaches aren’t always around, but their presence will always be felt
DAVID PUDDY
The ex-football players who put on suits and ties and spout out cliché after cliché on TV and radio. They say things like “In the National Football League…” (Thanks, we didn’t know what NFL stood for) and “when you talk about...” (I'm not talking. I'm watching TV). Like Puddy, they are large and dim-witted.
So there you go. I wrote an entire column comparing the 2006 Chicago Bears to a TV show that ended eight years ago. Some will say it made no sense. And others, well, they probably didn’t read it.
Things are different now. Chicago’s confidence appears to be at an all-time high. And for good reason. Sunday was like a walk in the park…a park of slaughtered buffalo, like that scene in “Dances With Wolves”. Great scene.
The Bears beat the Buffalo Bills 40-7 in a game that was never as close as the final score. A terrible roughing the passer call is the only reason Buffalo got close enough to get their one pathetic touchdown.
And that didn’t even get me fired up. I knew the game was safely in hand. Serenity now? Victory now is more like it. Frank Costanza could’ve used the 2006 Chicago Bears as his blood pressure medication
Let’s just see how the Bears and the greatest sitcom of all time match up (humor me. It’s a long season):
KRAMER
The defense. Just like Michael Richards during a good physical take, you can’t stop this crew. Tommy Harris, Lance Briggs and Brian Urlacher fly around the field like Kramer with his hair on fire. Our secondary is as hard for a quarterback to predict as Kramer’s limbs during a good back scratch (good luck, Matt Leinhart).
ELAINE
The offense. The real beauty on the team. Just as Elaine was one of TVs underrated lookers, Rex Grossman and company have come out of virtual obscurity and are just starting to earn national respect. Elaine’s got the hardened exterior of the Bears solid running game and the soft touch of our breezy passing attack.
GEORGE
Our opponents. Hapless, pathetic, truly comical. These little guys really crack me up. Did George ever get the girl or keep the job? Do these teams ever hold onto the ball or cover Bernard Berrian. Maybe Jason Alexander can get a motivational speaker gig talking to upcoming Bears opponents. He’s probably free. They could use the help, or at least a good laugh.
JERRY
Lovie Smith. Not the most animated guy in the world and not likely to crack anyone up with his straight guy act, but Lovie gets it done. He keeps all of the most valuable parts working together like a conductor pimp-slapping a world famous orchestra
And last but not least, the supporting cast:
NEWMAN
Bears special teams. Amazing (Robbie Gould’s perfect season so far), yet dangerous (Devin Hester dropping punts).
JERRY’S PARENTS
Ditka and Papa Bear Halas. When we met Jerry’s mom and dad, we understood more of who he was. With the Bears, the two coaches aren’t always around, but their presence will always be felt
DAVID PUDDY
The ex-football players who put on suits and ties and spout out cliché after cliché on TV and radio. They say things like “In the National Football League…” (Thanks, we didn’t know what NFL stood for) and “when you talk about...” (I'm not talking. I'm watching TV). Like Puddy, they are large and dim-witted.
So there you go. I wrote an entire column comparing the 2006 Chicago Bears to a TV show that ended eight years ago. Some will say it made no sense. And others, well, they probably didn’t read it.
posted by David Stassen at 8:09 PM
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