Week 15 Bears Recap: Knowlege Is Good

Thank God Rex Grossman replaced Kyle "Throat Hair" Orton during Sunday night's victory over Atlanta. Sure, fans and critics have been calling for coach Lovie Smith to make the change for weeks. Passing accuracy, release-time and decision-making being among the reasons to dump Throat Hair for Sexy Rexy.

But I have a much more logical system in place to determine who should be starting for the Bears. Let's look at the college choices made by these two when they were highly recruited high school quarterbacks. Rex left Bloomington, Indiana for the fun and sun of Gainesville, Florida. Throat Hair went from Iowa to West Lafayette, Indiana to play for Purdue University. I think it is in these simple, yet telling, decisions where we can discover which Bears QB has a good head on his shoulders and, therefore, who we should trust with our playoff dreams.

Let's look at some of the differences in location and university-selection made by Rex and Throat Hair:

School motto:
"The University of Florida: no tan lines excepted"
"Come to Purdue University, agri-business capitol of the eastern Midwest!"

Weather
Florida: The Sunshine State
Indiana: Grey is good

Food
Florida: Crab legs and drawn butter for all!
Indiana: Pass the squirrel, pappy.

Social Life
University of Florida: The kissing-girls school
Purdue: Fat Bottom U

Coaching
Steve Spurrier, Heisman winner, national champion
Joe Tiller, likes to bow hunt, comb mustache

Team History
Florida: Emmitt Smith, Jevon Kearse, Neal Anderson just to name a few
Purdue: Drew "Blotch Face" Brees, Throat Hair

Rivalries
Florida: Florida State, Miami University, SEC
Purdue: Michigan JV squad, Ohio State flag football IM champs

Campus
Florida: Bring a pair of flip-flops for the rainy week.
Purdue: Bring a good pair of galoshes for the blizzard semester.

Education:
Florida: "The History of Film" taught by Girls Gone Wild creator Joe Francis
Purdue: "The Gastro-intestinal History of the Great Plains Bovine: pre-Industrial Revolution" taught by Professor Shtupengrad.

Biggest Bowl Game
Florida: 1998 Sugar Bowl National Champs
Purdue: 2001 Liquid Plumr Bowl loser to Middle Southwestern Idaho Teachers College

Local motto
Gainesville: The Hurricane-free part of Florida!
West Lafayette: Where the movie "Twister" comes to life!

I think I've made my point. Thanks for all you did, Throat Hair. But, uh, we've got to move on. It's us, not you. We're just not ready to be in a relationship with a wildly inaccurate and inexperienced quarterback. We need someone more stable. Someone like, say, your older, better-looking friend Rex. What's that? He went to Florida? Cool. I heard those guys can party.