Week 13 Bears Recap: That Movie "Twins" Really Taught Some Life Lessons
I wanted to write a whole article about how the TV show "Cheers" didn't miss a beat when Kirstie Alley replaced Shelley Long and how that could relate to Rex Grossman coming in for Kyle Orton in the next few games. But I started writing it and felt like a fraud. "Cheers", while a great show, wasn't a slice of Chicago. It was Boston. And I'm sick of those self-righteous bastards. "Woe is us. We're Boston. We talk funny! We're the best!"
So screw that idea. I found a much more universal way to describe how Bears fans are thinking about the "quarterback controversy" and that way is the classic 80's comedy "Twins" starring Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito. If you haven't seen "Twins", you're an idiot. Here's a quick recap: Arnold and Devito are separated at birth after a DNA experiment-gone-bad. Arnold is given all the good genes. Little Devito is chock full of runtness. They meet as adults, become brothers and find love (with women).
Right now the Bears have Kyle Orton playing QB. He was thrown into the situation with no warning and very few credentials. He throws a lot of interceptions and seems to have problems making the most basic of throws. Kyle's got hair issues. He's growing a beard, but it's pretty patchy. It's kinda thin and wispy in the mustache region and, overall, just isn't a good look for a 22 year-old.
In his most recent game, Orton threw for 67 yards and one interception against the 2-9 Green Bay Packers. Thankfully, the defense beat Packers QB Brett Favre into a bloody pulp and even scored the Bears only touchdown. That's basically this week's recap. Getting back to the analogy...
Danny Devito was the twin on the streets. Raised in an orphanage, he had to hustle to earn his keep. Never the best-looking guy, he managed to hang out with a moderately semi-attractive woman.
Clearly, Orton is our balding midget. People just dump on little Kyle lately. He can't do anything right. His quarterback rating stinks. Similarly, Devito didn't have any friends at the start of "Twins". I think some gangsters were after him and his nightly ritual consisted of pouring himself a drink and making some "nuked food" for one. That is no way to live. Trust me.
So Devito is living in LA, probably fighting the urge to blow his brains out from day to day, while big man Arnold is living on some tropical paradise with a sketchy old guy. Arnold was raised on an island learning about art, poetry, and recounts. He seemed to be the perfect human being.
This is how Bears fans think of Rex Grossman right now. Sexy Rexy's been away all season rehabbing that bum leg and his absence has made the sausage-clogged hearts grow fonder. In our minds he's grown five inches, added 20 pounds of muscle and learned how to read defenses like Tom Brady.
But what happened when Arnold left his isolated world and came to the big city? Big problems. His flaws and naivete were exposed. He couldn't work the microwave, talk to girls, or understand even the most basic concepts of sarcasm. It was a mess. A hilarious mess.
This could happen to Sexy Rexy. What if just like Arnold, he's been on that island too long? He's only started six career games and his legs appear to be made of peanut brittle. Weaknesses could be exposed and now that it's getting down to the wire, it might not be wise to switch horses.
Sure, right now we're stuck with that little turd Devito, but he's gotten us this far. We're 9-3 and every weekend Orton feeds us a nurturing portion of nuked food.
If Orton is going to be killed by nefarious loan sharks this Sunday in the form of the Pittsburgh Steelers defense, then we'll have to put in Grossman. I'm okay with that. But imperfect Kyle has proved he can survive.
In the long run (hell, maybe even this season) Grossman is the right horse, but let's wait until Orton proves his low-life status beyond a doubt. A bad quarterback rating doesn't completely convince me when the Bears have won eight games in a row.
Afterall, Arnold didn't get to bed Kelly Preston until Devito taught him how to dance and mac chicks. Maybe Grossman could learn a few things from Orton before we let him take our baby out for a spin.
So screw that idea. I found a much more universal way to describe how Bears fans are thinking about the "quarterback controversy" and that way is the classic 80's comedy "Twins" starring Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito. If you haven't seen "Twins", you're an idiot. Here's a quick recap: Arnold and Devito are separated at birth after a DNA experiment-gone-bad. Arnold is given all the good genes. Little Devito is chock full of runtness. They meet as adults, become brothers and find love (with women).
Right now the Bears have Kyle Orton playing QB. He was thrown into the situation with no warning and very few credentials. He throws a lot of interceptions and seems to have problems making the most basic of throws. Kyle's got hair issues. He's growing a beard, but it's pretty patchy. It's kinda thin and wispy in the mustache region and, overall, just isn't a good look for a 22 year-old.
In his most recent game, Orton threw for 67 yards and one interception against the 2-9 Green Bay Packers. Thankfully, the defense beat Packers QB Brett Favre into a bloody pulp and even scored the Bears only touchdown. That's basically this week's recap. Getting back to the analogy...
Danny Devito was the twin on the streets. Raised in an orphanage, he had to hustle to earn his keep. Never the best-looking guy, he managed to hang out with a moderately semi-attractive woman.
Clearly, Orton is our balding midget. People just dump on little Kyle lately. He can't do anything right. His quarterback rating stinks. Similarly, Devito didn't have any friends at the start of "Twins". I think some gangsters were after him and his nightly ritual consisted of pouring himself a drink and making some "nuked food" for one. That is no way to live. Trust me.
So Devito is living in LA, probably fighting the urge to blow his brains out from day to day, while big man Arnold is living on some tropical paradise with a sketchy old guy. Arnold was raised on an island learning about art, poetry, and recounts. He seemed to be the perfect human being.
This is how Bears fans think of Rex Grossman right now. Sexy Rexy's been away all season rehabbing that bum leg and his absence has made the sausage-clogged hearts grow fonder. In our minds he's grown five inches, added 20 pounds of muscle and learned how to read defenses like Tom Brady.
But what happened when Arnold left his isolated world and came to the big city? Big problems. His flaws and naivete were exposed. He couldn't work the microwave, talk to girls, or understand even the most basic concepts of sarcasm. It was a mess. A hilarious mess.
This could happen to Sexy Rexy. What if just like Arnold, he's been on that island too long? He's only started six career games and his legs appear to be made of peanut brittle. Weaknesses could be exposed and now that it's getting down to the wire, it might not be wise to switch horses.
Sure, right now we're stuck with that little turd Devito, but he's gotten us this far. We're 9-3 and every weekend Orton feeds us a nurturing portion of nuked food.
If Orton is going to be killed by nefarious loan sharks this Sunday in the form of the Pittsburgh Steelers defense, then we'll have to put in Grossman. I'm okay with that. But imperfect Kyle has proved he can survive.
In the long run (hell, maybe even this season) Grossman is the right horse, but let's wait until Orton proves his low-life status beyond a doubt. A bad quarterback rating doesn't completely convince me when the Bears have won eight games in a row.
Afterall, Arnold didn't get to bed Kelly Preston until Devito taught him how to dance and mac chicks. Maybe Grossman could learn a few things from Orton before we let him take our baby out for a spin.
posted by David Stassen at 5:21 PM
<< Home