Bears-Packers: Return of the Kings

I'm not a big "Lord of the Rings" dork, but, for the most part, I did like those movies. They were kind of inspiring in the post 9/11 world. Good versus evil. Right versus wrong. Light versus dark. It made sense and comforted. Then Blackwater cornered the market on vile behavior and the metaphor lost some of its shine.

Nonetheless, we Bears fans are at a cross roads just like Gandolph, Viggo Mortensen and those other freaks. The orcs are about to storm the palace.

In the last film of the trilogy, "The Return of the King", there is a point when the bad guys break down the castle walls and begin to slaughter the pathetic humans. That little shrimpo Pippen is cowering in a corner, Viggo is off talking to a bunch of CGI ghosts, and Gandolph is fighting some crazy orcs with nothing but his lame white staff. Things were not looking good.

This sums up what it's like to be a Bears fan right now. Minnesota's rookie Adrian Peterson is the best running back in the NFC. The Lions, the freaking Lions, think their offense is some sort of work of art and they just put up 37 (34 in the fourth quarter, an NFL record) against us. And the Packers are undefeated. Plus, I hear Brett Favre saved a bus full of African babies from driving off a cliff this week. He's so perfect I want to plotz.

This sucks. We have to quell the uprising. The proletariat must be put back into its place. We need to garnish their wages and take away that extra boiled potato in the soup line.

I was watching the Bears lone victory of the season at a bar in San Francisco and the Lions fans were going crazy after their overtime win. "2 and 0! 2 and 0!" they chanted. "2 and 14! 2 and 14!" I angrily shouted back. I walked back to the table and told my brother about the exchange. Boy did I feel clever. Boy was I wrong.

Now every idiot in the Midwest thinks his team has a chance at the NFC North crown.

The rebellion is turned back Sunday night. While Al Michaels and John Madden fight for the lip space on Favre's ass, the Bears get this thing going back the other way. The right way.

Brian Griese has now seen NFL game speed for an entire four quarters. He won't throw three picks on Sunday night and if he didn't throw that last one returned for a TD against the Lions, we probably win that one too.

Cedric Benson will get more carries. The Bears will show a re-commitment to the running game and the Packers will wear down as their fans, exhausted from sucking back Miller Lite and cheese curds for 30 years on average, go gently into the cold, sad Wisconsin night.


And the defense. Not only does it still maintain some of its anchors like Brian Urlacher, Tommie Harris and Mark Anderson, we will get one or two healthy regulars back too. I don't know who it's going to be. Maybe Charles Tillman. Maybe Lance Briggs. Maybe both. But the defense will not let Brett Favre prance and dance, as he is so prone to do. Perhaps a Favre ankle sprain, or a separated shoulder?

Yeah, I'm talking about a Favre injury. So what? Remember, these animals want what is rightfully ours. They are orcs, born from mud, and they deserve no mercy.

Bear 30, Packers 24

Super Bowl Blog/2007 Comeback Blog/I'm Lazy Screw Off

***Editor’s Note***
I started this entry way back in February and didn’t have the stomach to finish it. But I’m headed down to San Diego on Sunday for the first Bears game of 2007 and I needed to expel the demons.

Sorry I missed a few entries at the end of the season. I got busy. I got superstitious. I can’t make any promises about this year but if I feel the Bears need my self-involved blog to keep them going every week, I will deliver. Bear down.

February 7, 2007

First of all let me start by saying this is probably going to ramble. There’s a lot I’m still digesting, much of it not very well.

Secondly, Devin Hester’s opening kick-off was the most exciting moment of my life. We’ll get to that later.

I was lucky enough to be at Super Bowl XLI in “Miami” although I think the game was technically played in a swamp somewhere in Alabama.

My friend Ike got two tickets through his work nine days before the game and long after I resigned myself to watching the event from Los Angeles.

Long story short we hopped on an Air Trans flight from LA to Miami with a connection in Atlanta on Saturday morning. Here’s where the adventure begins…

LAX, Saturday, 10:00 AM:
What do Ike and I do as soon as we arrive at Los Angeles International Airport? Why go to Le King of Burgers, of course. Great way to start the trip. Whoppers, Double Stackers, fries and the disgustingly new Chicken Fries are just what you want to be carrying in your bowels as you fly to Miami, a place known for black beans and rum.

Atlanta:
Not much time to kill here. Gotta make it to the gate ASAP. Oh what the hell, I guess we have time to stop off at Nathan’s and spend twenty-eight dollars on cheese fries and mini-corn dog bites. Another wise gastronomic choice, boys. Good thinking.

Miami, Saturday, 11:30 PM
Ike and I cruise out of the airport, hop in a cab and sit in Saturday night traffic heading to South Beach. Ike is already cursing the city’s name.

Eventually we get to my friend’s place where he has two solid futons awaiting our arrival. Ike is in for the night. He wants to get a good night’s sleep, wake up and go for a run on the beach and generally feel good when we go to the Super Bowl the next day.

This is a good idea. After all, we did fly across the county to watch our beloved Chicago Bears play in the Super Bowl. Staying in. Good call.

I throw on a collared shirt and head out to meet our buddies Hayes and Jeremy at club.

Did someone say, “Mickey Rourke”? Oh yeah, he’s sitting in our booth at some ridiculous club owned by a friend of Hayes’. I pay for nothing, drink champagne and vodka and, generally try to not get caught staring at weirdo Mickey Rourke as he and Jeremy discuss the direction of the Republican party.

SUPER BOWL SUNDAY
Let’s just skip ahead to Sunday morning. Nothing else happened Saturday night. That’s the end of it.

Boom. We’re on our way to the stadium which isn’t remotely close to Miami. We get there, park 17 miles from our gate and start walking. It’s already drizzling. There’s a different buzz in the air at a Super Bowl. I’ve never felt anything like it. One way or another, this is going to be something I never forget.

And then there’s a maze of gates and security we have to get through. It takes the buzz away and all of a sudden you’re thinking about that dry couch in LA and all the snacks at the Super Bowl party you’re missing.

I’d say the Bears brought more fans than Indy but only because some of Indy’s fans are conjoined twins connected at the head and I’m counting them as one.

Inside the stadium, we find our seats, meet some friends for beers and can’t say anything to each other except “I can’t believe we’re at the f*%king Super Bowl!” It’s all a blur.

Kick-off.

I’m standing when Devin Hester sprints pass Adam Vinatieri.

I come to as Hester is crossing the end zone. Apparently I screamed so loud the flow of oxygen supplying my brain is temporarily cut off. I blacked out and my knees buckled. I once screamed so loud during a Bulls double overtime loss to the Celtics that I saw stars like in one of those cartoons.

I stand back up (luckily I stumbled back into my seat) and begin French kissing anyone in a Bears jersey within six rows. No one complains. Bears are up 7-0 and Devin Hester could probably punch Barak Obama in the face and win a popularity contest in Chicago

This is the greatest moment of my life. Either I get married and have kids or this remains THE GREATEST MOMENT OF MY LIFE.

And then the rest of the game happened and I don’t want to talk about it.

It’s pouring rain when we exit the stadium. 70,000 people want to get a cab and there are approximately three to be found.

We walk for miles. We walk through muddy fields and dark strip malls. Passing buses spray with us filthy water and people are coming to blows over the scattered taxis.

Florida is a scum-infested, backwards-run hamlet. It’s like Australia but that joke about all the criminals being sent there is funny because it happened like 300 years ago. Florida is the new Australia. Who doesn’t organize twenty goddamn cab lines after the Super Bowl?

Some of our friends are hosting a post-Super Bowl party at a hotel. We go because my throat is kinda soar from the Hester-kick-off-screaming incident and a few vodka Red Bulls will ease my pain.

This “party” consists of three frozen crab legs and some idiot in a Colts jersey. Worst party ever.

Monday morning feels like we came to Mardi Gras and found out someone we knew died and had to go to a funeral instead. Everyone at the airport looks terrible. Ike hands me a pill. I take it and wake up in Los Angeles. Thank God. It was just a dream. The Bears are going to win the Super Bowl THIS year. In Arizona. Sweet, I can drive there.

Week 14 Bears Recap: Worst Monday Night Ever

This column is going to offend two people very important to me: my roommates. Guys, I'm sorry. You're still the best.

But what the hell was that?

Monday Night Football. Bears at Rams. Will Rex Grossman come out of his tailspin or wilt in the intensity of a dome crowd and a blood-smelling defense? I was excited for this one.

Until the party started at our place. Guys, again, I still love you. But at last count there were twelve random dudes clogging up the living room, reaching their little Hollywood arms into my TV view to grab pretzels and generally not shutting their mouths.

The night was about Devin Hester and his two incredible kick-off returns book-ending a great Bears victory in which Rex Grossman showed he actually can be a serviceable NFL quarterback.

HESTER'S FIRST KICKOFF RETURN, A 94-YARD TOUCHDOWN

This was the second quarter so I didn't know Whoshisface, Whatshisname and the "We just had a meeting at William Morris" twins well enough to stand up and scream my usual "This is what we do!" as Hester made one cut and immediately erased a 6-0 deficit.

So the guys just kept talking as Hester raced in the endzone and I quietly pumped my fist like a kid worried about waking up drunk daddy.

Apparently the announcers mentioned that Hester had just tied the single season record for touchdown returns. Now, you know me. I would've loved that information

But for me the moment was about listening to Whoshisface and Whatshisname talk about their friend hanging in the Hamptons this summer and other super cool tidbits.

What's that, Whatshisname? You're going to a party tonight to promote diamond-studded sunglasses that cost $30,000? Awesome. I'm so glad you came into my life. Have a great party. Feel free to have some drinks, get behind the wheel and then speed home, Whatshisname. God bless.

HESTER'S SECOND KICKOFF REUTRN, A 96-YARD TOUCHDOWN

This one I actually focused on. Hester's back-breaker.

But the crew had multiplied at halftime and space was tight on the couch. So when I leaped into the air to watch number 23 do his thing, I accidentally hit the go back button on the Tivo remote and the game went back an hour.

Now everyone went off on me. ME!

How dare they? These animals were all reminiscing about the good 'ol days, none of which I was a part of or care about, and I'm getting the blame for an innocent mistake. And trust me, no one was more upset about messing up the live version of Hester's historical return than me.

I'm so sorry to interrupt your really important "who's making what TV pilot" conversation to jump and scream when a Bears rookie is breaking NFL records. I screwed up, okay? Please forgive me. Or not.

I'm never going to see most of you again anyway.

Week 13 Bears Recap: Lovie, Can You Hear Me?

I have here a document for public consumption. More specifically, it is for Lovie Smith, head coach of the Chicago Bears.

Lovie, if the following statements were made within earshot of you, you might begin to question keeping Rex Grossman as your starting quarterback.

But they weren't. They were made to me, or within my general direction, and I need to pass them on to you.

Lovie, just read these statements made since Rex Grossman threw three more interceptions and the Bears defense and special teams had to again bail out the team against an inferior opponent.

Some of the comments are trivial or silly, but they were made with all sincerity. And that is where the problem lies. If you can say some of these things printed below and really mean them, then your team is having an issue at quarterback.

At least think about it, Lovie...

"You know that Kyle Orton really could manage a football game."
-When you start pining for the Throat Hair Orton era, you might be in trouble.

"Rex Grossman is basically a great field position punter."
-The only problem with this statement is that only half of Grossman's interceptions are deep balls. The other half travel about four yards before gently settling in the belly of an opposing linebacker.

"Can Devin Hester play quarterback?"
-I actually have no problem with this statement. Maybe he can. We should look into this.

"What is Grossman? 5'10?"
-They list him at 6'1. I know 6'1 and he, sir, is no 6'1. And who doesn't love a Lloyd Benson-Dan Quayle reference in 2006?

"Oh my God these jalapeno cheese fries are amazing."
-They were really good, Lovie. I recommend.

"Didn't Brian Griese win a national championship in college?"
-He did. But so did Craig Krenzel so don't take too much stock in that.

"I thought the Vikings had, like, the worst pass defense in the league."
-Now that's not fair to Rex. Minnesota had the SECOND worst pass defense in the league.

"I liked it when we played the Jets and Grossman never threw a pass more than five yards."
-Yeah, dems were the good 'ol days.

"Dude, you got a lemon in your beer? Who are you?"
-Lovie, Grossman is the lemon in our beer. The lemon in our beer.

Week 12 Bears Recap: It's A Freakin' Circus

I was in Chicago this past weekend for the Thanksgiving holiday and had the pleasure of taking my nephew to the Ringling Brothers and Barnum and Bailey Circus on Sunday morning before the Bears game (yeah, that's actually the whole name).

The circus has changed some since I last attended twenty or so years ago, but the basic concept is still the same: get little kids hopped up on cotton candy and caramel corn, show them trained tigers and motorcycle daredevils, and then try to sell them a plastic sword that lights up when they stab their uncle in his face.

So I left the circus and headed to a bar to meet some friends for the Bears-Patriots game. Three hours later I wasn't sure if I had left the United Center or the circus had actually followed me across town.

Much like the old tented madhouse, when the Bears offense takes the field you don't know what's going to happen. You're on the edge of your seat, someone could get seriously harmed, and a sense of exaltation and the smell of feces are mere inches apart.

Let's see who's got the edge in a number of categories the Bears and the circus have in common:

RELIABILITY
The circus has a set schedule and you know they are going to be in, say, Chicago every year around Thanksgiving. The Bears offense will also always be ready to perform, granted the defense can get them the ball and the opposing team promises to never blitz Rex Grossman.
Edge: Circus

PLAYMAKERS
The tigers are cool, but they're a bit too unpredictable. So is the Bears running game but Bernard Berrian and Mark Bradley are burners.
Edge: Bears

DRUNK GUYS IN AUDIENCE
Come on.
Edge: Bears

FAT KIDS IN AUDIENCE
I'm sure there are some little porkers wondering Soldier Field asking Daddy for another licorice whip at halftime, but the Circus has easily got the next seven Subway spokespeople in its audience every show.
Edge: Circus

RINGLEADER
I'll take Rex stepping into a throw, but off his back foot, throwing five or six up for grabs every game? It's just getting tiresome. Speaking of tiresome, the cheeseball ringleader running the show at the circus needs to take it from an 11 to a 6.
Edge: Bears

(Note: I'm not quitting on Rex. Yet.)

SIDESHOWS
Ringling Bros. can still bring it: the strong man, little acrobat people, and a failed American Idol contestant. The Bears only sideshow is Lovie Smith's decision-making, like taking the field goal down seven with three minutes to go. That wasn't fun or funny.
Edge: Circus

ENTERTAINMENT
Elephants, white tigers, tiny flying Chinese men. The circus really does have it all. But with the Bears every play is like James Bond and Hitler facing off in a game of Texas Hold'em. Could be really cool, or not so much.
Edge: Bears

OVERALL VALUE
We had great seats at the circus. My nephew was completely in awe. He couldn't speak or acknowledge our questions. He just sat there with his mouth open, catching flies, looking like his dad doing a crossword puzzle. But there's nothing better than a 32-inch flat screen TV in a dungeon of a bar with a cloud of smoke so thick the coughing and eye rubbing takes your mind off the neck bruises incurred from your nephew's brand new plastic circus sword. It was like post-circus therapy. Now they just need to come up with a post-Bears defeat therapy.
Edge: Bears

Week 11 Bears Recap and Week 12 NFL Picks

We have a lot to get to this week and not a lot time. Games start Thursday and I'm flying to Chicago on Wednesday so it all has to be compacted into one double-issue.

Sunday:
Bears win and Cubs sign Alfonso Soriano. It's a beautiful day in LA. The Bears just shut out the Jets, moving to 9-1 and the Cubs go and make a move only the Yankees and Red Sox seemed capable of the past six years.

Then I go and ruin the whole thing by watching the Bulls sleepwalk through a loss at the Staples Center versus the Lakers. The game was fun enough but leaving the stadium wearing my Michael Jordan jersey I was the subject of many taunts by cowardly LA fans.

LA fans are the worst. They won't say anything to you before the game, fearful of being struck down by an earthquake or botched facelift. But as soon as the game is over, if their team (of which they are probably only a bandwagon fan) has won, they get right in your face with their stinking beer breath and scream HILARIOUS things like "Later, losers! Later, losers!" and "Lakers for life, homey!" Man, I really hate their guts.

Anyways, I'm not giving up on the Bulls. LA fans, however, are a lost cause.

Who Gets Turkey in Week 12? On to the picks:

Home team in CAPS

Miami -2.5 over DETROIT
No turkey for Joey Harrington.

DALLAS -11 over Tampa Bay
Plenty of turkey for Big Tuna.

KANSAS CITY +1 over Denver
No more turkey for Jake Plummer.

Arizona +6.5 over MINNESOTA
Turkey for Matt Leinart but he has to give half of it to his baby mama.

Carolina -4.5 over WASHINGTON
No turkey for fat cat bureaucrats.

Cincinnati -3 over CLEVELAND
Turkey in mole sauce for Ocho Cinco.

NEW YORK JETS -6 over Houston
Mangini gets turkey but onsides kicks it away.

Jacksonville -3 over BUFFALO

ATLANTA -3 over New Orleans
The turkey has run out in Nawlins.

Pittsburgh +3 over BALTIMORE
The turkey is reborn for Steeltown.

San Francisco +6 over St. Louis
Man-turkey marriage legalized.

SAN DIEGO -13 over Oakland
Al Davis gets his turkey through a straw at this point.

Chicago +3 over NEW ENGLAND
Urlacher kills turkey with his bare hands.

New York Giants +3 over TENNESSEE
Rookie QB can't get his turkey against veteran Giants, can he?

INDIANAPOLIS -9 over Philadelphia
Reconstructive knee surgery for Philly's turkey.

Green versus SEATTLE off
I guess no one gets turkey.

Last week's Opposite Picks: 9-7
Overall: 71-73-1

Week 11 NFL Picks: Rigoddamndiculous

Are you happy? I'm finally under .500. You know what that calls for? That's right... OPPOSITE PICK WEEK.

Like the legendary George Costanza, if every instinct I have is wrong, then the opposite would have to be right. Let it rain!

Home team in CAPS

Falcons lose in consecutive weeks to Detroit and Cleveland. Michael Vick has learned how to fumble without anyone actually touching him. Steve McNair could not be stopped in his homecoming in Tennessee last week. Yeah, definitely the Falcons.
Atlanta +4 over BALTIMORE

Houston has six of their 22 wins in franchise history against those pool-busting Jags. Buffalo is 3-6 and has to be disheartened after losing a close one in Indy last week. Go Bills!
Buffalo +1.5 over HOUSTON

As I was driving home from work today I swear I decided to take the Jets. I still thought the Bears were going to win, but those plucky J-E-T-S would keep it close. Now, well, now it's Bears who cover.
Chicago -8 over NEW YORK JETS

Saints lost a heartbreaker in Steel City but had a chance to win against the champs. They're really tough at home while the Bungals continue to throw away a perfectly good season. Who dey?
Cincinnati +3 over NEW ORLEANS

Miami is getting hot down the stretch again. Minnesota and Check Down Johnson are in a classic freefall that would make any NFC North rival happy. Let's go Vikes.
Minnesota +3 over MIAMI

My gut says the Patriots. I hate my guts.
GREEN BAY +7 over New England

Those Raiders keep losing and losing and losing. Chiefs at home, no matter who the quarterback, you gotta like their chances. Just cover, baby.
Oakland +10.5 over Kansas City

Browns beat Atlanta last week so maybe they're not the dawgs but I would expect the Steelers to win and I am wrong more often than I am right. Therefore...
Cleveland +3 over Pittsburgh

I thought this was a big spread and the Panthers were getting too much respect for beating a bad Buccaneers squad. I always expect the Ram to play close ones. Carolina in a blowout.
CAROLINA -7.5 over St. Louis

Normally I would take a dawg in such a huge spread, but the Eagles versus the Titans? McNabb v. Young? Piece of cake for Philly, right? Opposite day says...
Tennessee +14 over PHILADELPHIA

First start for QB Jason Campbell against that veteran Tampa Bay defense. Bruce "pass the kielbasa" Gradkowski has been tough at home... 'Skins in the upset, baby!
Washington +3 over TAMPA BAY

This has been one of the all-time most disappointing seasons in NFL history for the Cardinals. They were not even the "sleeper" pick to start the season. They were going to compete for playoff seeding. Now? They stink. Let's take 'em.
ARIZONA -1.5 over Detroit

This is a pretty tight line for the defending NFC champs who have a really good back-up QB in Seneca Wallace just in case Matt Hasselbeck goes down again. Let's take the Niners.
SAN FRANCISCO +4 over Seattle

The Colts seem to play to the level of their opponent, getting up for the Patriots and Broncos and squeaking by the Titans and Bills. They should be hyped to play T.O. in the Big D... I like the Cowboys' chances.
DALLAS +2 over Indianapolis

You have to be impressed with the Chargers' first victory over a team with a winning record last week. Denver and Jake Plummer continue to do the bare minimum to get by. Chargers have that offensive juggernaut and the Broncos have nothing to match. Let's go Donkeys.
DENVER -2 over San Diego

Man the Giants are banged up. Boo-hoo. Isn't life so unfair?
New York Giants +3 over JACKSONVILLE

Last week: 5-11
The Indefinitely Suspended Uncle Dave's Stink Free Diaper Pick of the Week: 1-6
Overall: 62-66-1