2006 Chicago Bears Preview and NFL Week 1 Picks Extravanza
We all know I'm going to pick the Bears to win it all this year. The cool thing is: that makes me only mildly insane in 2006. Who's better than the Bears in the NFC? Maybe Seattle and Carolina? I'll take that.
As for the AFC, well, there are a lot of good teams over there but we only have to beat one of them when it counts. Colts, Steelers, Patriots, Bengals, Broncos, the list goes on...
Regardless, the Bears are at a crossroads of sort. And since I'm back in LA, we'll go with a Hollywood metaphor to start off the season.
Chicago enjoyed surprising success in 2005. NFC North champs, best defense in the league and Kyle Orton's disturbing throat hair.
It's EXACTLY like when Matt Damon and Ben Affleck won the Oscar for Good Will Hunting back in 1999. They were a solid team, young and on the edge of greatness. They had the potential to go a long way together. But then they seemed to split and go in different directions.
Now the question is: whose path do the Bears follow from here? Do we go the Damon route and star in cool movies like Oceans' 11 and the Bourne franchise? Or we do make Gigli and date a crazy chick from the Bronx?
Damon or Affleck, people. Who's it gonna be? We'll find out in the coming months. Let's get to the week one picks:
(home team in CAPS)
PITTSBURGH -3.5 over Miami
I'm not proud of my first pick of the season. Ben Roethlisberger is out with appendicitis, Miami is the AFC's sexy break-out team and Jerome Bettis has reportedly taken the omelet station at NBC Sports hostage until mid-November. Nevertheless, world champs at home in prime time so I gotta go with them. Charlie Batch doesn't make too many mistakes, Willie Parker runs for 130 and the Steelers defense does the rest.
TAMPA BAY -3.5 over Baltimore
This has to be the year Baltimore stops getting props for winning a Super Bowl in the same year Temptation Island was considered hot TV. But, nooo, they have the ancient Steve McNair now so that's going to keep the lines close for a few weeks. Bottom line: Bucs roll at home against Super Bowl champs from the turn of the millennium.
Atlanta +6.5 over CAROLINA
Carolina is very good and maybe I'm just bitter because they whooped the Bears last January, but the already solid Atlanta defense is going to be even tougher with the addition of pass rusher John Abraham. Panthers win, but against a lame Steve Smith the Falcons keep it under a tuddy.
Denver -3.5 over ST. LOUIS
Going against the home dog, I know, I am retarded. My track record proves it. But these are the Broncos and the Rams, people. Teams going in opposite directions for a long time. The Bell brothers run for 170 and the Rams' new focus on defense starts week two at the earliest.
NEW ENGLAND -8.5 over Buffalo
Is this the "lock of the week"? Maybe it's the "Shoe-In Special"? I don't know. I don't have a catch phrase for my favorite game of the week yet. Let's just call it "Uncle Dave's Stink-Free Diaper".
Philadelphia -4.5 over HOUSTON
The Eagles' window did not slam shut in a single season last year. I refuse to believe that. McNabb is healthy and has looked good. They traded for a decent receiver in Donte Stallworth and their coach still looks like a walrus reading a Chili's menu. I'm going with the walrus.
New Orleans +3.5 over CLEVELAND
Reggie Bush breaks a big run. Reggie Bush takes a punt back. Reggie does something else cool. Cleveland stinks and the city of New Orleans has a guilt-ridden God on their side. He is the biggest bastard of them all.
Seattle -6.5 over DETROIT
Wow, could I have two "Uncle Dave's Stink-Free Diapers" in week one? I think I do. Yep, I do.
New York Jets +2.5 over TENNESSEE
The Titans' high-profile draft picks (Young and White) overshadow what is a pretty bad team. They lost their franchise quarterback and I can't name a single player on defense. That may not say much, but I'm friends with a big Jets fan so they get the nod.
Cincinatti +2.5 over KANSAS CITY
Two road dogs in a row. I know, I stink. But Larry Johnson will not beat Carson, Chad's Johnson, Whosyourmama and Rudi by himself.
Chicago -3.5 over GREEN BAY
The first stop on the road to Miami.
Dallas +2.5 over JACKSONVILLE
I don't care what happens with Terrell Owens. Parcells has had three years to mold that team in his shadow (a big, blobby one with a Grandpa bubble crotch) and T.O. won't be able to tear the lockerroom apart until at least week five.
ARIZONA -7.5 over San Francisco
The Cardinals are a little too hyped right now. Take a look at their schedule. Eight wins will be hard-earned. But the 49ers are led by such a dork in Alex Smith I don't know what else to say. There. That's it. Alex Smith is a dork.
Indianapolis -3.5 over NEW YORK GIANTS
I get the feeling this one won't be close. Peyton and Colts offense are way ahead of little Eli's team. But the whole idea of dueling quarterback brothers is pretty cool. Too bad Al Michaels is calling the game.
Minnesota +4.5 over WASHINGTON
Bad for my fantasy team but good for the Vikings, Clinton Portis is probably sitting this one out. Vikings ended strong last season and the Redskins are too suspect at quarterback to get their high-priced receivers the ball with any sort of consistency. Wow, sorry about that arbitrary blanket statement before the Redskins have even played a game, but it's a column so you have to sound like a jerk sometimes. Plus, I used to live in DC and Redskins fans suck.
San Diego -2.5 over OAKLAND
Three road teams to finish off week one. This one is as solid as they come without being a Diaper pick. We all know Oakland stinks, right? Didn't they just sign 75 year-old Jeff George because their prized free agent Aaron Brooks was discovered to stink as was suspected for the last five years in New Orleans? Then they realized Jeff George really WAS 75 years-old and they cut him. Wow, the Raiders front office sho' can evaluate them some talent. And don't the Chargers have Ladanlian Tomlinson?
If I get over 50 percent right this week I'm moving to Vegas.
As for the AFC, well, there are a lot of good teams over there but we only have to beat one of them when it counts. Colts, Steelers, Patriots, Bengals, Broncos, the list goes on...
Regardless, the Bears are at a crossroads of sort. And since I'm back in LA, we'll go with a Hollywood metaphor to start off the season.
Chicago enjoyed surprising success in 2005. NFC North champs, best defense in the league and Kyle Orton's disturbing throat hair.
It's EXACTLY like when Matt Damon and Ben Affleck won the Oscar for Good Will Hunting back in 1999. They were a solid team, young and on the edge of greatness. They had the potential to go a long way together. But then they seemed to split and go in different directions.
Now the question is: whose path do the Bears follow from here? Do we go the Damon route and star in cool movies like Oceans' 11 and the Bourne franchise? Or we do make Gigli and date a crazy chick from the Bronx?
Damon or Affleck, people. Who's it gonna be? We'll find out in the coming months. Let's get to the week one picks:
(home team in CAPS)
PITTSBURGH -3.5 over Miami
I'm not proud of my first pick of the season. Ben Roethlisberger is out with appendicitis, Miami is the AFC's sexy break-out team and Jerome Bettis has reportedly taken the omelet station at NBC Sports hostage until mid-November. Nevertheless, world champs at home in prime time so I gotta go with them. Charlie Batch doesn't make too many mistakes, Willie Parker runs for 130 and the Steelers defense does the rest.
TAMPA BAY -3.5 over Baltimore
This has to be the year Baltimore stops getting props for winning a Super Bowl in the same year Temptation Island was considered hot TV. But, nooo, they have the ancient Steve McNair now so that's going to keep the lines close for a few weeks. Bottom line: Bucs roll at home against Super Bowl champs from the turn of the millennium.
Atlanta +6.5 over CAROLINA
Carolina is very good and maybe I'm just bitter because they whooped the Bears last January, but the already solid Atlanta defense is going to be even tougher with the addition of pass rusher John Abraham. Panthers win, but against a lame Steve Smith the Falcons keep it under a tuddy.
Denver -3.5 over ST. LOUIS
Going against the home dog, I know, I am retarded. My track record proves it. But these are the Broncos and the Rams, people. Teams going in opposite directions for a long time. The Bell brothers run for 170 and the Rams' new focus on defense starts week two at the earliest.
NEW ENGLAND -8.5 over Buffalo
Is this the "lock of the week"? Maybe it's the "Shoe-In Special"? I don't know. I don't have a catch phrase for my favorite game of the week yet. Let's just call it "Uncle Dave's Stink-Free Diaper".
Philadelphia -4.5 over HOUSTON
The Eagles' window did not slam shut in a single season last year. I refuse to believe that. McNabb is healthy and has looked good. They traded for a decent receiver in Donte Stallworth and their coach still looks like a walrus reading a Chili's menu. I'm going with the walrus.
New Orleans +3.5 over CLEVELAND
Reggie Bush breaks a big run. Reggie Bush takes a punt back. Reggie does something else cool. Cleveland stinks and the city of New Orleans has a guilt-ridden God on their side. He is the biggest bastard of them all.
Seattle -6.5 over DETROIT
Wow, could I have two "Uncle Dave's Stink-Free Diapers" in week one? I think I do. Yep, I do.
New York Jets +2.5 over TENNESSEE
The Titans' high-profile draft picks (Young and White) overshadow what is a pretty bad team. They lost their franchise quarterback and I can't name a single player on defense. That may not say much, but I'm friends with a big Jets fan so they get the nod.
Cincinatti +2.5 over KANSAS CITY
Two road dogs in a row. I know, I stink. But Larry Johnson will not beat Carson, Chad's Johnson, Whosyourmama and Rudi by himself.
Chicago -3.5 over GREEN BAY
The first stop on the road to Miami.
Dallas +2.5 over JACKSONVILLE
I don't care what happens with Terrell Owens. Parcells has had three years to mold that team in his shadow (a big, blobby one with a Grandpa bubble crotch) and T.O. won't be able to tear the lockerroom apart until at least week five.
ARIZONA -7.5 over San Francisco
The Cardinals are a little too hyped right now. Take a look at their schedule. Eight wins will be hard-earned. But the 49ers are led by such a dork in Alex Smith I don't know what else to say. There. That's it. Alex Smith is a dork.
Indianapolis -3.5 over NEW YORK GIANTS
I get the feeling this one won't be close. Peyton and Colts offense are way ahead of little Eli's team. But the whole idea of dueling quarterback brothers is pretty cool. Too bad Al Michaels is calling the game.
Minnesota +4.5 over WASHINGTON
Bad for my fantasy team but good for the Vikings, Clinton Portis is probably sitting this one out. Vikings ended strong last season and the Redskins are too suspect at quarterback to get their high-priced receivers the ball with any sort of consistency. Wow, sorry about that arbitrary blanket statement before the Redskins have even played a game, but it's a column so you have to sound like a jerk sometimes. Plus, I used to live in DC and Redskins fans suck.
San Diego -2.5 over OAKLAND
Three road teams to finish off week one. This one is as solid as they come without being a Diaper pick. We all know Oakland stinks, right? Didn't they just sign 75 year-old Jeff George because their prized free agent Aaron Brooks was discovered to stink as was suspected for the last five years in New Orleans? Then they realized Jeff George really WAS 75 years-old and they cut him. Wow, the Raiders front office sho' can evaluate them some talent. And don't the Chargers have Ladanlian Tomlinson?
If I get over 50 percent right this week I'm moving to Vegas.
posted by David Stassen at 7:00 PM
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