Week 17 Bears Recap: End of Season Double-Issue Spectacular!!!

First off, let me say how touched I am by the outpouring of concerned and heartfelt letters I've received in the past two weeks. Yes, my absence was prolonged. No, I was not asleep in a gutter. Everything is fine. Here's a smattering of the touching notes with which I was graced:

"You suck. Thanks for not writing anymore."
-Your older brother, San Francisco, CA

"Why haven't you written anything lately? Are you dead? I hope so."
-This was actually sent by three separate fans. Thanks, guys. You’re the best.

Alright, let's move on. As you can clearly see there is a real demand for this week's recap and anything less than gridiron Hemmingway ain't going to cut it.

So the pressure is on and I've been feeling it ever since Sunday evening when the Bears season ended with a 34-10 defeat by the Minnesota Vikings.

Luckily, my nerves have been put to rest because I just took a shower and used my good luck Michael Jordan shampoo. When I lather up and the sweet peppermint tingle tickles all my hirsute body parts, I get the same confidence I like to think Michael had anytime he took the court in a big game.

Therefore, to honor MJ and his fantastic line of men’s grooming products, I will cover the last two Bears games and the playoff run using Michael’s career as our compass:

The Early Years

Remember when Michael used to attack the rim with a reckless abandon? The guy was just vicious. It was like that orange metal cylinder had molested him when he was a child. And if the opposing team got dirty and tried to foul him a little too hard, he’d meet them in the bowels of the stadium after the game for a good old-fashioned fistfight. This is how I will now treat the Green Bay Packers:

Brett Favre sucks. He has nothing left in the tank. Yeah, he can still fling a couple bullets a game, but every QB in the league can do that (even Kyle Orton). What set him apart are the constant terrible throws. He throws like five Hail Mary’s a game. That’s Pop Warner.

And the Bears finally handed his hat to him this season. First there was the physical beating in Chicago. Then we had the Lance Briggs INT for a touchdown thanks to Mr. “Living On Things I Did 10 Years Ago”. This season the Bears took a step that the ‘84-‘87 Bulls took when they started beating bad teams simply because Michael said so. Sweeping Green Bay is good thing.

Before we move on, let’s briefly mention the legions of brain dead cheese heads that were chanting “Four More Years” during the Packers’ last game of the season this Sunday. Okay, I get that Brett Favre wears number four. But were they saying that they wanted this quarterback whose best moments are a good seven years behind him to actually play four more football seasons? Or were they asking Brett to run for political office? Either way, this is a state whose most famous politician is Joe McCarthy so maybe Favre in Congress is a good idea.

The Middle Years

Doug Collins and even a young Phil Jackson couldn’t help MJ get over the hump that was the Detroit Pistons. But all along, I knew we were better than then those jerks (I was in 6th grade at the time but I like to think I was more than just an optimistic kid). But we couldn’t do it. The Bad Boys always got the better of us.

The Vikings, with the help of Randy Moss, Daunte Culpepper and Dave Wannstedt, beat up on us for pretty much the past six years.

But now we’ve won the division and in a spit-in-your-face move by Lovie Smith we let the Vikings beat our junior varsity squad just to show we were above all that.

In the most memorable torch-passing in NBA history, that phony-smiling coward Isiah Thomas led Bill Lambeir and the other hacks off the floor in front of the Bulls bench before the game was over as we tore down their (two-year) dynasty.

After shaking hands with Lovie, Vikings coach Mike Tice jogged off the field in triumph only to be fired on hour later. Yes! Take that you pea brain.

We’ve turned the tables, killing the Vikes when the game meant something in week six, winning the division, helping Tice get canned and moving on to bigger and better things. Kinda makes me think of the Pistons dramatic collapse after the 90’-’91 season when it became clear they wouldn’t get the better of Michael again.

Feel that peppermint tingle, Mike Tice? Oh that’s right. You can’t because you have no hair on your tiny caveman head.

The Golden Years

Okay, this is going to be tough. How do I compare six NBA titles in eight years with one underdog Bears playoff run?

Simple, by bending and twisting logic to fit my purposes. I learned this as a child from my dad whenever the subject of politics came up.

The Bulls were young and had the core of the team in place for years to come at the start of the championship run.

The Bears have 21 of 22 starters signed through the 2006 season and lone free agent Hunter Hillenmeyer is a restricted one so the Bears can match any offer should they choose to.

Phil Jackson was the Zen master… and Lovie Smith is really freaking calm on the sidelines, even when crucial replay challenges don’t go his way. Hey, Lovie can be the den master. Get it? Bears den. Den master? Screw you.

Defense. Bulls assistant coach Johnny Bach used to call the Jordan-Pippen-Horace Grant press, “releasing the Dobermans.” How cool is that? The Bears, meanwhile have the second-ranked defense in the league and it would’ve been first had Lovie not calmly pulled the entire starting unit in the second quarter to save them for the playoffs. Kinda like the way Phil mastered Michael’s limited bench time to conserve his energy for the end of games.

And finally, both teams are from Chicago and that really is the whole point, isn’t it? Sure, maybe the Bears can’t win six of the next eight Super Bowls but a guy can dream, can’t he?

I mean, hey, just a few years ago did anyone think we’d be able to get our hair silky smooth clean with peppermint oils and chamomile extracts endorsed by Air Jordan himself? I sure didn’t.