I Am A Wagering God
Before I give my week 13 NFL picks, I want to say something about the Knicks. That's right, the Knicks. I watched them play the Bulls on Wednesday night and I noticed a few things. First off, their two best players are rookies: Channing Frye and Nate Robinson. They're probably two of the cheapest players on the team, they started the game, and they played harder than any other Knick, except Antonio Davis.
B) I hate Nate Robinson. I should like him, but I don't. He seems like a real jerk to play against. I know he's small so he's had to work harder than anyone in the league, but that doesn't give him the right to be a punk.
And thirdly, while Isaiah may be a good drafter, he sucks at both signing and trading players. In street clothes for the Knicks was probably $100 million dollars in salary (I'm totally guessing). Jerome "2 Good Playoff Games" James, Anfernee Hardaway, and Eddy "Gonna Give The Bulls the Knicks' 2006 Lottery Pick" Curry were all looking very dapper in their David Stern-approved attire. The NBA is really a disaster zone when guys just sit on the bench, earning HUUUUUGE paychecks because of a bruised labia, or whatever their respective ailments were and nothing can be done about it.
And when a piece of garbage like Tim Thomas, making $14 million a year, can pout, not practice, asked to be traded and then be allowed go home and wait for the Bulls to deal him, well, I just want to blame everyone, owners, players, agents, even myself, the idiot fan who cheers for some of these bums. David Stern should fix this. The NFL isn't perfect, but at least those guys earn every penny of their paychecks.
Moving on, I went 9-6-1 last week, so I'm pretty happy. After two weeks of picking I am 12-19-1. Yeah, my first week of picks sucked. But I have to note that my buddy Chris went 12-0 on his wagers on Sunday, earning himself a tidy little profit, so I totally expect that luck to rub off on me. On to the train wreck:
Atlanta +3 over CAROLINA
I liked the Panthers in this one at first, but then I thought about their last two games. They were completely punked by the Bears D and then had to scrape together a last minute drive to beat J.P. Losman and the Bills. J.P. Losman?!?!
This could be a case of a team peaking too early, having very little offense besides one wide receiver (are they any better than T.O. and Jeff Garcia their last year together in SF? That team was terrible) and the defensive unit being past their prime. Then again, they could hand the ball to Deshaun Foster all day, shut down Michael Vick and once again be viewed as the best team in the NFC on Monday morning. Still, I like Vick and the points.
MIAMI -3 over Buffalo
Ricky Williams just might be back and it couldn't come at a better time for my fantasy team.
PITTSBURGH -3.5 over Cincinnati
Cincy still not over the hump of being, or beating, an elite team. Steelers and their fans should be amped for this one following the Monday night embarrassment in Indy. If not, there's potential for Bill Cowher to fall to the ground, pull his pants down and rip out his own scrotum using his teeth in a fit of gritted-teeth rage. Nobody wants to see that happen so I like Pittsburgh. Alright, I actually DO want to see this happen but I'm still taking the Steel crew.
Dallas +3 over NEW YORK
This is Bill Parcells' third year in Dallas. I can't see his team, at this point in their relationship, dropping two big ones in a row. The Giants defense is mediocre and once Seattle starting giving the ball to Shaun Alexander in the second half he went for almost all of his 100+ yards.
Plus, I hate New York. When Giants owner and perfect human being Wellington Mara died, the media went apeshit. Why? So some trust fund baby who inherited his wealth and bought a football team wasn't a jerk to the players he owned kicked the bucket at 92? Way to go, Sir Wellington the 18th!
CHICAGO -7 over Green Bay
This one's going to be like Mel Gibson in "Payback" where he just goes around murdering people with no remorse because he's out for "Payback." We're going to shoot Brett Favre in the head like 17 times on Sunday because we're out for "Payback."
BALTIMORE -7 over Houston
I don't think Kyle Boller is good yet, but when forced to throw last week when they got down big to the Bengals, he put up some good fantasy numbers. Jamal Lewis is looking better and David Carr is so plain terrible I want to laugh in the face of every stupid Texans fan I know. Only I don't know any. Do you? Didn't think so.
Jacksonville -2.5 over CLEVELAND
I can't believe I traded Reuben Droughns for Joey Harrington. Man, that was stupid. At the time I had a QB bye week situation. Now I'm just sad. As "payback" for my egregious error, Jacksonville, led by David Gerard, will shoot Cleveland 14 times.
On a side note, would the Jags be the best team in the NFC? And what are they in the AFC, probably no better than fourth. Did people always talk about the strength of conferences in sports or is it a new trend? I love it. It's just more sports-related crap to talk about and it's great.
DETROIT +3 over Minnesota
I bet the winning percentage for assistant coaches in their first game taking over bad teams midway through the season is over .600. Throw in the fact that the Vikings sucked so bad only a month ago, they may even be getting a little cocky with the playoff talk and you have a lot of reasons to take the points.
But this is all coming from the mind of an insane Bears fan who doesn't want the last game of the season, Chicago @ Minny, to mean anything, so beware.
Tampa Bay -3.5 over NEW ORLEANS
Chris Simms looks like he's about a half-season behind Eli Manning in terms of his development. He's got the long ball down, hits Galloway on the mid-range stuff and threw the ball away last week against the Bears instead of giving up INT's.
Tennessee +15.5 over INDIANAPOLIS
Okay, I lied. I'm betting against Peyton again. This just feels like a classic letdown game. Deep down, we all want the Colts to fail, right?
Arizona -3 over SAN FRANCISCO
Cardinals have had a decent offense the last few weeks. Alex Smith starts for San Francisco. Yawn.
ST. LOUIS +3 Washington
Joe Gibbs wins a game here or there and every freakin' moron in DC (where I live) goes crazy, breaks out the old Riggins jersey and starts booking tickets to the Super Bowl. This Rams QB went to Harvard. I know that because it's been on the news 778 times this week. Let's ride the smart kid 'til he F's up.
KANSAS CITY +1 over Denver
Broncos are due for a stumble and as Woody Paige pointed out on Around The Horn, the Chiefs are undefeated in Arrowhead in December this millennium. Millennium stats rule!
NEW ENGLAND -10 over New York Jets
Patriots will stop and start like an old truck the rest of the season and playing AFC East rivals is when they will look their best.
SAN DIEGO -10 over Oakland
Oakland is donesky. But I can't figure out San Diego. Last year, we can now see, was a little bit a luck, a lot of scheduling and a ton of LT. Drew Brees looked terrible against the Redskins. Someone pointed out he looks too short to play QB. I like that call. But the Chargers at home with Ladainian could cover against the Raiders with Doug Flutie at QB. And they probably have.
Seattle -3.5 over PHILADELPHIA
This is what Philly fans get. They've replaced Boston fans as the nation's most self-righteous, obnoxious bastards around. I'm glad they are going to be mediocre and it will continue next year as their defense ages. Not to mention they are low on offensive weapons. A rare Monday Night stage for Seattle means Shaun Alexander could have a big night.
B) I hate Nate Robinson. I should like him, but I don't. He seems like a real jerk to play against. I know he's small so he's had to work harder than anyone in the league, but that doesn't give him the right to be a punk.
And thirdly, while Isaiah may be a good drafter, he sucks at both signing and trading players. In street clothes for the Knicks was probably $100 million dollars in salary (I'm totally guessing). Jerome "2 Good Playoff Games" James, Anfernee Hardaway, and Eddy "Gonna Give The Bulls the Knicks' 2006 Lottery Pick" Curry were all looking very dapper in their David Stern-approved attire. The NBA is really a disaster zone when guys just sit on the bench, earning HUUUUUGE paychecks because of a bruised labia, or whatever their respective ailments were and nothing can be done about it.
And when a piece of garbage like Tim Thomas, making $14 million a year, can pout, not practice, asked to be traded and then be allowed go home and wait for the Bulls to deal him, well, I just want to blame everyone, owners, players, agents, even myself, the idiot fan who cheers for some of these bums. David Stern should fix this. The NFL isn't perfect, but at least those guys earn every penny of their paychecks.
Moving on, I went 9-6-1 last week, so I'm pretty happy. After two weeks of picking I am 12-19-1. Yeah, my first week of picks sucked. But I have to note that my buddy Chris went 12-0 on his wagers on Sunday, earning himself a tidy little profit, so I totally expect that luck to rub off on me. On to the train wreck:
Atlanta +3 over CAROLINA
I liked the Panthers in this one at first, but then I thought about their last two games. They were completely punked by the Bears D and then had to scrape together a last minute drive to beat J.P. Losman and the Bills. J.P. Losman?!?!
This could be a case of a team peaking too early, having very little offense besides one wide receiver (are they any better than T.O. and Jeff Garcia their last year together in SF? That team was terrible) and the defensive unit being past their prime. Then again, they could hand the ball to Deshaun Foster all day, shut down Michael Vick and once again be viewed as the best team in the NFC on Monday morning. Still, I like Vick and the points.
MIAMI -3 over Buffalo
Ricky Williams just might be back and it couldn't come at a better time for my fantasy team.
PITTSBURGH -3.5 over Cincinnati
Cincy still not over the hump of being, or beating, an elite team. Steelers and their fans should be amped for this one following the Monday night embarrassment in Indy. If not, there's potential for Bill Cowher to fall to the ground, pull his pants down and rip out his own scrotum using his teeth in a fit of gritted-teeth rage. Nobody wants to see that happen so I like Pittsburgh. Alright, I actually DO want to see this happen but I'm still taking the Steel crew.
Dallas +3 over NEW YORK
This is Bill Parcells' third year in Dallas. I can't see his team, at this point in their relationship, dropping two big ones in a row. The Giants defense is mediocre and once Seattle starting giving the ball to Shaun Alexander in the second half he went for almost all of his 100+ yards.
Plus, I hate New York. When Giants owner and perfect human being Wellington Mara died, the media went apeshit. Why? So some trust fund baby who inherited his wealth and bought a football team wasn't a jerk to the players he owned kicked the bucket at 92? Way to go, Sir Wellington the 18th!
CHICAGO -7 over Green Bay
This one's going to be like Mel Gibson in "Payback" where he just goes around murdering people with no remorse because he's out for "Payback." We're going to shoot Brett Favre in the head like 17 times on Sunday because we're out for "Payback."
BALTIMORE -7 over Houston
I don't think Kyle Boller is good yet, but when forced to throw last week when they got down big to the Bengals, he put up some good fantasy numbers. Jamal Lewis is looking better and David Carr is so plain terrible I want to laugh in the face of every stupid Texans fan I know. Only I don't know any. Do you? Didn't think so.
Jacksonville -2.5 over CLEVELAND
I can't believe I traded Reuben Droughns for Joey Harrington. Man, that was stupid. At the time I had a QB bye week situation. Now I'm just sad. As "payback" for my egregious error, Jacksonville, led by David Gerard, will shoot Cleveland 14 times.
On a side note, would the Jags be the best team in the NFC? And what are they in the AFC, probably no better than fourth. Did people always talk about the strength of conferences in sports or is it a new trend? I love it. It's just more sports-related crap to talk about and it's great.
DETROIT +3 over Minnesota
I bet the winning percentage for assistant coaches in their first game taking over bad teams midway through the season is over .600. Throw in the fact that the Vikings sucked so bad only a month ago, they may even be getting a little cocky with the playoff talk and you have a lot of reasons to take the points.
But this is all coming from the mind of an insane Bears fan who doesn't want the last game of the season, Chicago @ Minny, to mean anything, so beware.
Tampa Bay -3.5 over NEW ORLEANS
Chris Simms looks like he's about a half-season behind Eli Manning in terms of his development. He's got the long ball down, hits Galloway on the mid-range stuff and threw the ball away last week against the Bears instead of giving up INT's.
Tennessee +15.5 over INDIANAPOLIS
Okay, I lied. I'm betting against Peyton again. This just feels like a classic letdown game. Deep down, we all want the Colts to fail, right?
Arizona -3 over SAN FRANCISCO
Cardinals have had a decent offense the last few weeks. Alex Smith starts for San Francisco. Yawn.
ST. LOUIS +3 Washington
Joe Gibbs wins a game here or there and every freakin' moron in DC (where I live) goes crazy, breaks out the old Riggins jersey and starts booking tickets to the Super Bowl. This Rams QB went to Harvard. I know that because it's been on the news 778 times this week. Let's ride the smart kid 'til he F's up.
KANSAS CITY +1 over Denver
Broncos are due for a stumble and as Woody Paige pointed out on Around The Horn, the Chiefs are undefeated in Arrowhead in December this millennium. Millennium stats rule!
NEW ENGLAND -10 over New York Jets
Patriots will stop and start like an old truck the rest of the season and playing AFC East rivals is when they will look their best.
SAN DIEGO -10 over Oakland
Oakland is donesky. But I can't figure out San Diego. Last year, we can now see, was a little bit a luck, a lot of scheduling and a ton of LT. Drew Brees looked terrible against the Redskins. Someone pointed out he looks too short to play QB. I like that call. But the Chargers at home with Ladainian could cover against the Raiders with Doug Flutie at QB. And they probably have.
Seattle -3.5 over PHILADELPHIA
This is what Philly fans get. They've replaced Boston fans as the nation's most self-righteous, obnoxious bastards around. I'm glad they are going to be mediocre and it will continue next year as their defense ages. Not to mention they are low on offensive weapons. A rare Monday Night stage for Seattle means Shaun Alexander could have a big night.
posted by David Stassen at 5:49 PM
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