Week Six Bears Recap: Is There Room On That Bandwagon For One More?

“How bad is the NFC North?” That was the question left on my voice mail by a friend and fellow Bears fan after the ugliest 28-3 win in the history of organized team sports. How bad is the NFC North? Pretty effing bad. The Bears, the two and three Bears, are in first place after throttling the soon-to-be coachless Minnesota Vikings.

I watched the game at a local watering hole with my buddy Chris. This game stunk so bad we paid more attention to the Bengals-Titans game. Bengals-Titans?! That could be the least memorable game EVER. We also had a little something riding on the second half line, but that is beside the point.

Atlanta-New Orleans. That was a good game. Giants-Cowboys. Good game. Steelers-Jaguars went to OT. There were great games all over the league on Sunday. None of them involved teams from the NFC North, however.

Is it possible my reaction to a Bears victory, over a division rival nonetheless, is indifference? What’s wrong with me? Was I too into my teriyaki chicken wings? Was it the scrumptious chicken quesadilla calling me with its cilantro siren song? Maybe I lost focus after the bartender spilled a pint of Miller Lite on my crotch, insuring my status as piss-smelling Sunday drunk guy. But I think my disinterest in Sunday’s game stems from there being very little new to build on for the Bears.

We have a very good defense, a good running game, and a rookie quarterback. For better or worse, the Vikings were too terrible to expose any unknown weaknesses in Chicago’s game.

So let’s talk about something important: the number of bandwagon Cincinnati Bengal fans coming out of the woodwork this season. This really pisses me off. Chris and I were sitting right next to these yahoos. They sucked. All of their jersey’s: brand new Chad Johnson’s and Carson Palmer’s. Where’s the muddy Boomer Esiason #7? How about a bleached-out Chris Colinsworth #81? At least give me an Ickey Woods chili-stained #30. Seriously, bandwagon fans should not be allowed to cheer for teams if they weren’t fans while the team was under .500.

Last year at the same bar there was a group of Indianapolis Colts fans. Five dudes, totally hate-able, no doubt legislative aids for some douche bag congressman who got elected by claiming his opponent performed abortions on retarded nuns.

Anyway, these loud, screaming a-holes each had the jersey of an OFFENSIVE Colts player. Manning, Edge, Dallas Clark, etc. Stupid Indiana hicks, defense wins championships. I guess I hate these guys because they were so positive and pumped up after every play that you knew they weren’t true fans who had experienced season after season of disappointment and soul-searching.

Bandwagons fans are the kids who only took notes in high school if the teacher said the material was going to be on the test. Bandwagon fans took swing dancing lessons in 1997. Bandwagon fans move to Wrigleyville from the University of Iowa, claim to be Chicagoans, and make it impossible for me to afford Cubs tickets without first calling my Sallie May loan officer.

As a LIFE-LONG Cubs fan, this is infuriating, especially because these jerks get to live a lot closer to Wrigley Field than I do. But I know I’m the real thing. I went to games when our middle reliever was Doug Dascenzo. I was at the Bartman game. I cried in 1984 when Ryne Sandberg grounded out to Gary Templeton to end the Cubs’ chances of a World Series. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to get online and order my Tadahito Iguchi White Sox jersey. I’ve been following the little guy’s career for years. He’s the best Japanese second baseman the White Sox have ever had. Go White Sox!